


The Princely Groom

by AionyKittyhawk



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Based on the Princess Bride, I got all the kids in there too, I tried to get all the alpha trolls in there, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-23
Updated: 2013-02-03
Packaged: 2017-11-16 21:45:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 31,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AionyKittyhawk/pseuds/AionyKittyhawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John is sick and his dad suggests they watch a movie.</p>
<p>Jake has just discovered his feelings for the city boy but now circumstances are threatening to tear them apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You are John Egbert, and you are stuck at home nursing a cold. Not that it isn’t nice to get out of school but hacking up a lung doesn’t count as the best of ways to spend a day off.

Your dad has gotten the day off of work to look after you while your sick. You roll your eyes both mentally and physically because really? You can take care of yourself just fine. Though its nice when he brings you a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some cough syrup in bed.

You finish eating and lay back but you’re not really tired after a morning of nothing but napping so you get up keeping your blankly wrapped around your shoulders.

You wander into the living room and settle on the couch and start to idly flip through channels. After a few minutes your dad comes in and sits next to you.

As you both discover that daytime TV is shit and there’s nothing on your dad tells you to wait and he gets up and goes to the movie cabinet next to the entertainment center. When he comes back he has a movie in his hand.

Curious, you crane your neck to try and catch a glimpse of the title but dad doesn’t stop for you and just sticks the movie in and leaves the case on top of the TV.

“You’ll like this one I promise. “

You try not to let your skepticism show cause you have a very good sense of what your dad considers a good movie and you have a feeling you’ll be snoring within five minutes.

You sigh to yourself and say nothing. He’s just trying to be nice while you’re sick. The intro credits roll and the title if the movie pops up onto the screen.

“The Princely Groom?” You ask, your eyebrows disappearing onto your hairline.

“Yeah, its a really good movie! Nana and I used to watch it all the time.” He smiles at you and you just smile weakly back at him and turn your attention back to the screen.

Since your nana died before you were born you never met her, but the way dad talks about her she must have been the most amazing person.

The music cues and the movie starts.


	2. A Gay Movie

You are Jake English and you were raised for the past twenty years on a small island in the middle of the pacific.  Your favorite pastime is adventuring through the jungle surrounding your home and having fisticuffs with the city boy that had come to live with you as your adventuring chum. 

His name was Dirk.

But you just called him City Boy, even though you both knew he was slightly older than you.

\--------Be John

“Isn’t that a wonderful beginning?” Your dad asks you.

“Yeah, It’s really good,” you answer him trying not to sound too bored.

\--------Be Jake again

Nothing gives you as much pleasure as exploring the latest trail in the jungle or sitting down to watch some of the greatest cinematic masterpieces in your room with Dirk.

“Crimeny City Boy!  Let’s see how many of these smashing movies we can fit in by morning!” Your smile is excited and hopeful as you look at Dirk expectantly.

“As you wish,” Dirk replies as he looks back at you with his brilliantly colored amber eyes.

You excitedly step over to your bed and sit down with your husktop to scan your library and make a selection.

“As you wish” was all he ever seemed to say.  He wasn’t really the talkative type but that was ok with you.  You could chatter away enough for the both of you.

“Gee City Boy, It would be jolly of you if you could fetch us some popcorn,” you ask as you peruse your movie list.

You happen to look up at him when he doesn’t answer immediately and see that he is looking intently at you with some small expression on his face that you’ve noticed before but didn’t have a name or a place for.  Some of his spiked blonde hair has fallen into his eyes and he absently brushes it aside.

“As you wish,” he says and this time it finally dawns on you what that look he’s giving you truly is. All of a sudden a blush creeps up your face as all the telltale clues he’s been giving you click into place. 

Dirk, it seems, has taken a not necessarily platonic fancy to you.

For the first instant you are unsure how to feel about this revelation, but as you gaze back into his eyes your heart rate accelerates in your chest  and you suddenly notice how cursedly handsome Dirk is.  You guess you’ve always known he was strapping but now that you’re looking at him in this new light you wonder why you never thought of him this way before.

It seems so glaringly obvious to you now as you set your husktop aside on your bed and stand up, your emerald eyes wide behind your thick square glasses.

You are amazed to discover that when he was saying “As you wish,” what he meant was “I love you.”

You are even more amazed to realize that you truly love him back.  He has always been there for you when you wanted to go adventuring, or wanted a partner to wrestle with in fisticuffs.  You just never seemed to notice how far your feelings actually had grown for him.  Now you can’t imagine your life without his company on your small island or his quiet presence in your life.

You stand in front of him as he looks down the short difference in your heights at you. 

“It… it’s a mite stuffy in here,” you stutter as you awkwardly tug at the collar of your favorite green skull t-shirt, “could you t-turn the fan on?”

The faintest of smiles starts to form at the edge of his mouth and you can see the growing warmth in his wonderful amber eyes.  He slowly reaches up and gently takes hold of the ceiling fan chord hanging mere inches above your head.  Neither of you can take your eyes off of each other as you hear the faint click of the fan’s motor turning on.

“As you wish,” Dirk whispers as his tiny smile grows just a little bit bigger.

You can’t help but smile back at him knowing that your blush was pretty obvious you shyly cast your eyes down to the floor.

You look up again when you notice Dirk take that last step and close the small distance that had been between you.  You lick your lips as he reaches out and places his hands gently on your hips.  Involuntarily your own hands reach up and fist the cloth of the white tee he was currently wearing, right below the orange baseball cap that was printed on it.

It seems like time slows to a crawl as he leans in toward you and your whole body trembles with anticipation just before his lips gently meet your own.

\--------Be John

“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute dad!  What is this?” You ask incredulously as your dad presses the pause button on the movie.

“What do you mean son?” He looks at you.

“They’re both guys!  I mean, why would I want to watch this?  You do know I’m not homosexual right?” You ask suddenly afraid that that is exactly what your dad had been thinking when he picked out this movie.

“Just because it’s a movie about two guys who love each other doesn’t make it any less romantic.” He explains like this was a simple fact that should have been obvious.  “I thought you liked a good romance now and again, like the ending of that one movie you watch over and over.  You know… the one with the guy giving the little girl the bunny?”

Your dad making that comparison gives you pause and you shrug because you can’t seem to think of a legitimate excuse to just quit watching the movie with him. 

“Is the whole movie gonna be them sucking each other’s face?” You ask

“No, there’s a lot more to it than that!” he chuckles at you and presses play again.

\--------Be Dirk

You have no money for marriage to your beloved Jake so you decide to leave to seek your fortune across the sea.

You can see this is a very emotional time for Jake as he just realized your long unnoticed feelings for him and miraculously seemed to return them and now he was losing you.

\--------Be Dad

“Augh, I don’t believe this.” You hear your son groan at the narrator’s sappy dialogue.

\--------Be Dirk again

“I’m afraid you won’t make it back!” Jake holds you tightly around the waist as your own arms wrap around his shoulders and squeeze him reassuringly.  “What if I never see you again?”

“Of course you will,” You press your lips into the crook between Jake’s neck and shoulder savoring this last few moments in his embrace.

“But what if something gosh darn horrible happens to you?” You can hear his voice crack a little at this statement.

You pull back enough to look directly into those incredible emerald depths you always want to lose yourself in.

“Listen, no matter what I will always come for you.” You place your hand on Jakes cheek and watch tears start to glisten in his eyes.

“How can you know that mate?” His voice wavers.

“This is true love bro,” you say, your carefully controlled expression doesn’t waver in the face of his distress, “You think this happens every day?” You give in a little and smile warmly at Jake and that seems to reassure him enough to smile back at you through his tears.

He pulls you close and you lean in to kiss him one last time and you etch this feeling and his image firmly in your mind as you quickly hug him goodbye.

\--------Be Jake

Dirk never reached his destination.  His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Strider who never left captives alive.

When you receive the news that your Dirk had been murdered the shock sends you into a depression that has you locked in your room for days and you could not bring yourself to sleep or even eat anything.

“I will never bloody love anyone ever again,” you say listlessly to yourself, your tears having dried up leaving you completely numb.


	3. Condesces Groom

You are Jake English and five years have passed and your island is no longer inhabited by just you.  A small city has sprung up literally around your broken globe of a house.

It all came about when a troll woman who was the head of a big company saw your island as she was flying overhead in her private jet and decided to visit.  After discovering your presence she made it a point to bring both human and troll immigrants and place funds for building and development.

All in all you don’t really care anymore what happens around you.  Since Dirk’s death you haven’t been adventuring and your movies lie unwatched in your room.

The new townspeople are friendly and like you a lot but the one person you have any type of conversation with is the troll woman who first discovered you.  Her formal name is The Imperial Condescension, but you just call her Condesce.   

In the years since she arrived she has become more and more enamored with you until finally she has asked for your hand in marriage.  Being ever the gentleman you agree but state flatly that you do not love her.  She says she is fine with this and that maybe you will grow to love her over time.

The town square is full to bursting in anticipation since Condesce said that there will be a big announcement.

A cheesy fanfare plays over some speakers as Condesce walks out onto the balcony of her mansion overlooking the town square.  Beside her is her bodyguard Vriska Serket looking down her nose smugly at everyone waiting below.  On her other side is the village elder.   He is highly respected by everyone and his name is Mr. Crocker but everyone fondly calls him Poppop.

“Everyone!” Condesce calls loud enough to catch everyone’s attention.  The square goes silent as all attention focuses on the balcony.

“A month from now our town will have its fifth anniversary.  On that evening I will be married.”  At this revelation and excited murmur goes through the crowd.  A big wedding!  “Would you like to meet my fiancée?”

A cheer leapt from the crowd and at some unseen signal the front door of Condesce’s mansion opens and you walk slowly foreword into the square.  The new tux Condesce has given you is rather uncomfortable and you would rather be in your shorts and t-shirt but this occasion calls for formal attire and you are always a gentleman.

A few gasps sound as the townspeople recognize you and they immediately start to applaude.  But you just feel empty as you look back at them, your face ironically set in the same blank mask Dirk always seemed to wear.

Later you need to get away from all these people and their congratulations, your false smiles wearing thinner and thinner.  So you decide to do something you haven’t done in a while.  You remove your good clothes, put on your trusty shorts T-shirt and green button up shirt and head out the back door of your house to the overgrown path that stretches from your back door into the jungle.

As you safely abscond beyond hearing distance you relax and a certain sense of nostalgia overcomes you.  You feel more like your old self wandering the trails of your jungle home and in a burst of reckless energy you sprint down the path to one of your favorite ruins on the island.


	4. Three Circus Trolls

You are Jake English and you are sprinting toward your destination of your favorite ruins.  This is the first time in a long time you have felt something besides numb since Dirk’s demise.  Your heart is pumping and there is the burn in your lungs from running.  Your adrenaline from sneaking away from the village has kept you going but now it is lagging and you slow down.

You burst through the last copse of trees and stop dead in your tracks.

Standing directly in your path are three trolls.  It almost seems as if they were waiting for you.

“Finally!  Someone we can fucking talk to.” The shortest of the three spoke.  Your surprise at their manifestation quickly turns to confusion as the short troll begins yelling at you.

“Hey you, with the obnoxiously dorky looking glasses. This fuckass over here got high and escaped from the circus boat we all work on and we were sent to find his stupid ass and bring him the fuck back but now the shit has gone and gotten us totally lost like a group of stupid tourists who wanted to take the wrong fucking path because the pictures they were going to take would be _soooo_ much cooler.”

You look at the tall troll with the glassy eyes and wide grin on his face.  His hair is a crazy black mess and his long curving horns are protruding from the mass of hair. His face looks like its been painted a lighter color grey than his naturally grey skin, except for the spaces around his mouth and eyes.  He is slouching somewhat and as he notices you looking at him he smiles wider and waves at you.

You hesitantly wave back as your attention switches to the female troll in between the two males.  She is slightly taller than the long winded male that was shouting at you but still way shorter than the tall clown-looking one.  She is standing straight with her left hand resting on the head of a cane that is strapped to her belt like a blade.  Her red and teal outfit stands out a lot more than the darker colors the other two are wearing.  She is wearing a pair of red-tinted glasses and you notice that her eyes are staring sightlessly at the space to your left.  Her mouth is curved into the widest shit-eating grin you’ve ever seen, showing off her sharp teeth.  Her short horns are also sharp and they protrude from her chin length black hair.

You finally bring your gaze back to the shortest troll who is still glaring up at you.  You notice that he has really short rounded horns that barely peak through his short hair.  His left hand is also resting on a weapon but these are a pair of sickles.

“Is there anything remotely resembling civilization nearby in this fucking jungle?” He growls loudly at you.

You gather your wits and attempt to respond “Th-theres only one town on this island sir, and its nowhere bloody near here!” You try to explain.

“Then there won’t be any anybody to hear you scream like a pussy.” Your eyes widen as the tall troll steps toward you reaching behind his head to grasp the handle of a juggling club and pull it from its strap.

Before you can even blink he has swung the club at you and everything goes black as it connects with your head.

\--------Be the short troll

You are now the shortest of the three trolls and you are currently ripping some holes in the human’s green over shirt.

“What do I smell you ripping?” the female troll asks from the deck of a small ship floating in a bay on the far end of the island.  The tall troll is just now boarding carrying the human piggy back style.

“It’s the moron’s shirt,” you relpy shortly as if this were obvious.   You are not fooled by her blindness, she can smell hear and taste wherever she is going and always seems to know what’s going on regardless of her blindness.

“Here,” you throw said shirt at her along with a worn patch you removed from your pocket, “have your lusus fly it to the edge of the town and drop it where someone will find it.  That patch is from a Martha Stewart uniform.”

She catches both items easily and brings them both up to her face to smell them.

“Who the motherfuck is Martha Stewart?” the tall troll asks from the boat.

“Martha Stewart is the fucking sworn enemy of her Imperial Condescension you lame ass sad excuse for a troll!” You watch as the female troll gives the shirt and patch to her dragon lusus and it flies away clutching the cloth in its claw. “When the Condesce finds that she’ll think Martha Stewart make off with her boy toy.  Then, when this human’s body is found dead in one of her factories shit’s gonna hit the fan.” You explain as you board the ship.

“Whoa, my brother,” the tall troll piped up having set Jake down in the ship and tied his hands together behind his back, “You wanna mutherfuckin kill the little dude?”

“I fucking brought you along on this trip because you wouldn’t stop whining about how you wanted to help me start some shit you dumbass! You should be as honored as a bard who gets to play in front of fucking royalty.”

“Chill bro.  I just am don’t mutherfucking think killing an innocent man is right.”

“Did I flipping lose my fucking MIND? Or did you actually say the word THINK in reference to yourself?” you step up close to the tall troll and glare up into his stupid face.  “I did NOT bring you along for your overwhelming think pan capacity you colossally dense juggalo! 

“I happen to agree with Gamzee,” the female troll says as she hops back on board the ship after  untying the ropes holding it close to shore.

“Oh now you have something to say about it? This doesn’t concern either of you.  If you _must_ know, I’ll be the one to kill him.  As if I’d let someone who likes to lick chalk try to tell me what to do.” You turn and face Gamzee again, “And you can go back to baking your shitty slime pies in your hive if you prefer!”

\--------Be Gamzee

You are now Gamzee and you are watching the small troll stalk away from you to the other end of the ship as you start to steer.  The female troll comes over and stands next to you.

“Karkat can really put up a _fuss_ ,” she says to you.

“Fuss, heh, more like he likes to motherfucking scream at _us_.” You reply.

“He probably doesn’t mean any _harm_.” She smiles up at you.

“It’s like he’s really mutherfucking short on… _charm_.” You smile back at her.

“Ha ha! You have sick rhymes bro!”

“You know it.” You say as you turn the wheel controlling the rudder.

“Enough with that already!” Karkat shouts.

“Hey Gamzee, are there rocks ahead?” She says loud enough for Karkat to hear clearly.

“If there are, we’ll all be real dead!” You answer almost immediately.

“Would you just quit with the rhymes? I seriously fucking mean it!” Karkat barks at you.

“Anybody want a peanut?”

“AAUGH!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, someone stated that Viccini is now their canon voice for Karkat.


	5. Sea goat

You are Jake English and you have a splitting headache.  You are sitting on the floor of a ship with three trolls at various positions around you.  It was dark out when you regained consciousness and the rope tying your hands behind you back is making you lose feeling in your fingertips.

You look up at Karkat who is sitting on the opposite side of you on a stool looking out past the bow.  Gamzee who hit you with his juggling club earlier is standing only a few feet to your left absently gazing at you.  The female whose name was Terezi is standing at the stern looking out at the water behind you. Of course she can’t really see anything so she must be smelling the water behind you.

“At this rate we’ll get to the cliffs by the time morning decides to be a bitch and remind us that none of us got much sleep tonight.” The Karkat says into the silence as he turns to look at the rest of you.

Terezi turned her head to acknowledge that she heard the him speak but when he was done she turned back to face what lay behind them again.

“Why the hell are you doing that?” The Karkat asks her.

“Are you sure no one is following us?” she asks.                                        

“That would be incon-fucking-ceivable,” he says as he relaxes against the side of the ship.

“You know you’re never gonna win right?” you pipe in, “I mean the rouges in the movies never win.  And Condesce sure won’t be very happy when she gets her hands on you.”

“You should be worrying a little more about yourself human.” Karkat snarls.

You can’t think of anything to say back so you simply look away.  You happen to look in the direction of the stern and see Terezi look behind the ship again.

“Stop doing that for fucks sake!  We can relax now, we’re almost done with this shitty job.” Karkat yells exasperated.

“Are you sure nobody is following us? Terezi sounds skeptical.

“I told you before that would be utterly and completely incon-fucking-ceivable.  Martha Stewart doesn’t know we’ve done anything and the Imperial Condescension couldn’t have gotten there so fast.” He leans back and closes his eyes but quickly reopens them and looks at Terezi again, “But now I’m curious as to why you are asking in the first place.”

“I can smell something behind us.” She says shortly.

“What?” Karkat scrambles up to stand next to her and look out into the water behind them.  Gamzee turns where he is to look from the side of the ship.  You can’t see what they’re looking at from your seat on the floor but you hear Karkat comment.

“Probably some fuckass fisherman or something out for a pleasure cruise…at night…in lusus infested waters.”

You quickly seize the opportunity while the trolls are distracted and launch yourself up and over the side of the ship.  As you float for a second you pull your tied hands around both your legs to that they’re no longer behind you.  This gives you a little more ability to use both your arms together to swim.  You kick your legs and your head breaks the surface as you gasp for air.

\--------Be Karkat

“What the FUCK?” you scream “Go after him!” you yell at Terezi

“I wouldn’t be able to see, smell, or taste where I’m going dumbass.” She informs you calmly.

You look at Gamzee but he shrugs, “I can only dog paddle bro.”

“AAAGH!  Turn this fucking ship left!” you cry as you step down to the side of the ship Jake jumped from.

You can see him stroking awkwardly away with his hands tied in front of him.

“Left!  I said LEFT DAMMIT!"

Gamzee catches your attention and points upward as he cocks his head listening.  You start to hear the ominous wailing shriek of the water-goat lusus that hunts these waters.

You watch as Jake hears the wail and stops stroking foreword, merely treading water whipping his head back and forth trying to find the source of the sound.

“Do you know what that is you brainless twit?  That’s a troll lusus, a hungry sounding one too.  Just wait, the sea-goat ones always grow louder before they strike!”

You watch Jake recoil sharply from a long white shape swimming uncomfortably close to him. 

“Swim back to be ship now and you have my fucking vow that no one will harm you.  I don’t’ think the lusus will be that generous.”

You can only watch as Jake paddles frantically away from each appearance of the sea-goat.  It circles around him a few times and finally lines itself up to charge straight at him. 

\--------Be Dad

“You know he doesn’t get eaten,” you tell your son.

“What?” He looks over at you confused.

“The sea-goat doesn’t get him.” You elaborate, “I’m just saying because you looked nervous just now.”

“I wasn’t nervous!”

You give him a skeptical look.

“Well maybe I was a little _concerned_ but that’s not the same thing.”

You raise an eyebrow at him.

“We can stop it here if you want you know.” You offer.

“No, we can watch a little bit more…if you want,” he trails off.

You shrug and press play again.

\--------Be Jake

You don’t think you’ve ever been in a worse predicament.  You can hardly move because of the rope around your wrists and the skin is chafing so bad you probably already have blisters.  Your legs are getting awfully tired of holding you above water as well.

It seems like no matter where you turn the blasted goat is three steps ahead of you.  You lose sight of it for a moment and finally spot it again as it begins charging straight toward you.  It opens its mouth and you can see row after row of razor sharp teeth coming straight for you.   You gasp and jerk backwards but deep down you know it’s over, you’re dead.

Just before the goat hits you a juggling club flies in front of you and smashes the goat on the head.  Then a pair of large hands is grabbing you by the back of the shirt and hauling you bodily out of the water.  Your backside hits the floor of the ship as Gamzee lets go of your shirt and you gasp for air and cough out mouthfuls of water.

“Stupid shit.” Karkat kneels next to you and grabs your swollen hands.  He sees that your wrists are now bleeding under the ropes and grumpily cuts the ropes off.  You stare at him incredulously as he pulls a wad of cloth from a nearby bag and begins bandaging your wrists.  You’re shaking now from cold and shock and you guess you won’t be using your hands for a while because they’re so swollen you can hardly move your fingers, which is why Karkat probably felt it was safe to untie you.

“I think I can smell him getting closer, “ Terezi says from the stern.

“Why should we care?  Keep going!” Karkat said as he finished tying your bandages, “I guess you thought that was pretty fucking brave don’t you?”

“Only in comparison to some,” you reply quietly.


	6. Cliffhanger

You are Jake English and dawn is starting to brighten the water around the ship you are trapped on with three trolls who don’t have your best interest at heart.

“I can smell him!” Terezi shouted from her position on the upper deck.  She was holding the rope connected to the sail catching as much wind as possible to push their craft as quickly as possible towards their destination.  “Look! He’s right on top of us.”  In a softer tone you hear her ask no one in particular, “I wonder if he’s using the same wind we are?”

“Whoever the fuck he his he’s too late,” Karkat sneered as he glanced at their pursuer, “Look,” he pointed at the looming mass of rock ahead of you, “The Cliffs of Insanity!”

Indeed you have been looking at them since it has been light enough to see.  You could scarcely believe anything so daunting existed outside of your island.  It was a sheer rock wall that stretched up hundreds of feet.  You look down at your mangled wrists and still slightly swollen hands and hope that these ruffians don’t expect you to climb that monstrosity!

“Hurry it up!” Karcat barked, “Move the thing! Fuck, no THAT OTHER THING!”

You reach a small outcropping of rock at the base of the cliffs and the three trolls scramble to disembark onto it with you in tow.  You notice a thick rope dangling from what you assume would be the top of the cliff.

“We should be safe, only a highblood troll has enough strength to get up these damn cliffs our way, fuckass back there will have to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor.”

But you see the tiny vessel is still closing in on your position.  You watch as Karkat and Terezi quickly fit Gamzee with a harness that has odd straps dangling from it.  Terezi then grabs your arm and pulls you around the back of the large troll.  She then proceeds to slide one of the straps connected to the harness over your head and down below your hips so that you’re basically sitting on it practically pressed up against Gamzees side.  You then decide to visually follow the rope Gamzee is now clutching as Terezi and Karkat fit themselves into the other straps on the harness.  You gulp audibly as the sheer height makes your head spin.  And you’re still on the ground for fuck’s sake!

You hold on weakly to Gamzees shoulder as he abruptly begins to pull himself and the three of you straight up the cliff.  You are amazed at the sheer strength required for such a task and grimly hold on.  You suppose you should be more excited about this whole adventure and laugh at the sheer improbability of your situation but your enjoyment of such things fizzled without Dirk to share them with.

You are making amazingly good time up the rope but look over as Terezi suddenly sniffs and looks down.

“He’s climbing the rope,” She states incredulously, “and he’s gaining on us.” You look down and confirm that a small dark figure far below you was also making its way up the rope.

“Incon-fucking-ceivable,” Karkat states with a little awe, “Go faster!”

“Like, I thought I was going faster bro,” Gamzees reply is a little strained with effort. Karkats strap on the harness placed him almost nose to nose with Gamze and the big troll had to deal with the angry one yelling in his face.

“You’re supposed to be this immense legendary thing, and yet he’s still gaining!”

“I’m…Like hauling… three people here little man.  He’s…got only his…mutherfuckin’ self.” Gamzee pants in reply.

“That’s a fucking excuse and you know it! god dammit I need to find myself a new highblood,” Karkat grates out in frustration.

“Don’t say that Karbro,” Gamzee surprisingly has a note of pleading in his voice.

You can only hold on for dear life as the two go on.  You look down once or twice to see that the dark figure is now noticeably closer.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity Gamzee is pulling the three of you up over the edge of the cliff.  Terezi quickly slips out of her harness and crawls up onto the safety of the rocks.  She then reachs back and grabs your arm and helps haul you up as well. 

You had been incredibly tense the whole way up and now that you were on solid ground again you collapse onto a stair Terezi has led you to.  You are surprise to note that there are what looks like ancient ruins at this point on top of the cliff and all that is left are some crumbling stone walls and several sets of stairs including the one which you are now seated.

Terezi then reaches back and helps Karkat and Gamzee up as well.  As soon as Karkats feet touch solid ground he is releasing one of his sickles from his belt and sawing at the rope where it is wrapped around a solid-looking rock a few feet away.

It takes him a second to saw through the thick rope that had been your lifeline on the way up and when it finally snaps free you all watch it slither quickly over the edge of the cliff.

\--------Be Terezi

Out of a morbid sense of curiosity you and Gamzee carefully lean over to take a look down the cliff.  You see, and when you say you you mean Gamzee, see the man who had been following you clinging to the side of the cliff about fifteen feet from the top.  You can smell him looking up at you from behind a ridiculously large pair of pointy shades.

“Whoa, dude’s got good arms man,” Gamzee laughs drunkenly.

Karkat quickly steps up between you to take a look himself and growls in disgust.

“He diddn’t fall? Fuck. Just… incon-fucking-ceivable.”

You turn you head in Karkats direction, to your left and somewhat down.  “That word you keep using dumbass? I don’t think it means what you think it means.”

It just so happens that he doesn’t deign to answer your comment and instead you both look down again as you hear a shifting of rock.

“Shit,” you say, “is he climbing?” You are impressed in spite of yourself.

“Well whoever the fuck he is he’s seen us with the idiot.  He’s a liability now so we’ll kill him.” Karkat jabs a thumb into Gamzees chest, “You carry him,” he points to your prisoner, “we’ll head straight for Stewarts closest factory.  Catch up with us when he dies.  If he falls, fine.  If not, the cane.” He then turns away from you.

“I want to duel him left-handed,” you state with your trademark grin.

“Shit, you know we’re in a hurry Pyrope!” He turns to you again.

“It’s the only way I can truly be satisfied. If I use my right it would be over far to quickly.”

“Oh have it your way!  Fuck Terezi you wouldn’t be able to follow a straight path even if you could see, let alone a simple set of orders.”

He then turns away from you again to continue on the path through the ruins.  Gamzee, with Jake led along by a firm hand on his upper arm, follows him.

“Careful,” Gamzee calls back to you, “Shady people in weird mutherfuckin shades can’t be trusted.”

You smile and nod as you smell him glance back at you.

“I’M WAITING.” You hear Karkat yell.

After they’re out of sight you excitedly start to warm up.  You need to be prepared for a good fight after all.  You walk back up to the edge of the cliff and address the stranger below.

“Hey there!  Slow going?” you wave cheekily.

“Look, I’m all hanging out here coming up with an ill rhyme at the moment and that shits not as easy as I make it look.” You can hear him readjusting his hand positions on the rocks below. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t distract me.”

“Sorry,” you smile at the remark.

“Thanks.”

You return to warming up pulling out the sharp sword hidden inside your cane and whipping it around in a few practiced parries and thrusts.  But your impatience gets the better of you and you sheathe it again while walking back to the edge.

“I don’t suppose you’d be inclined to speed things up?”

“Man you have no patience at all for the making of awesomely constructed sicknasty beats do you?”

“Nope!” you laugh.

“Fine, have it your way.” You hear him shuffle for a second and suddenly you hear the roar of a small engine as you realize the man with the shades had a rocket-powered skateboard.  He could have foregone the climb up the rope entirely and you are impressed all over again with his level of badassery.

You listen to the rocketboard and can almost taste him performing a Gay Twist hand grab mid-air before he comes around to land beside you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who were curious...
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu1H_UcbqLY


	7. The Chalky Dualists

You are Terezi Pyrope and you are facing this fucking cool stranger you are supposed to kill.  After jumping from his flying skateboard he lands only a few feet away from you.  You can only stand there a moment and drink in the coolness oozing from this man.

Your other senses make up for your lack of sight and you have no problem detecting that he’s wearing long black pants and black shoes as well as a black tank top. You even notice that he has a tattoo on his right shoulder and snigger to yourself because it looks a little ridiculous on such an obvious badass.

He’s wearing a black baseball cap but you can still tell that there’s some blonde hair sticking out from underneath it.  Obscuring his eyes and most of his face are the afore mentioned pointy sunglasses and they seem to hide a lot of his face for just being an eye covering.

All in all, despite his pale skin, this man in black sure has sparked your interest.

You hear him reach up behind his head and grasp the katana strapped around his shoulder.

“You can wait to strife until you’re ready,” you offering a wave of your hand to some nearby rubble as a convenient seat.

“Oh, now you want to wait?” He asks but still lets go of his katana and ambles over to sit down.

You’re not sure why you’re hesitating, fuck it this dude is interesting as hell and you’re curious about some things.

You lean against a crumbling wall as he removes his shoes to dump out a few large rocks and some sand that had somehow gotten in them.

“Don’t mean to pry,” you start, “but you don’t happen to have seven pupils in your left eye do you?”

“You always begin conversations like this?” he inquires pausing to look up at you.

“I was blinded by someone with seven pupils in their left eye.” You explain.

He puts his shoe down still staring at you and reaches up to tip his shades down his nose so that he’s looking at you over the top of the rims.  You can now smell the brilliant orange of his irises and are a little surprised that a human could possess such an odd color.  But you are placated because he has two regular human pupils and you nod your thanks at him as he replaces the shades to their original position on his face.

“My ancestor was a neophyte legislacerator and was able to capture a certain criminal with a seven-pupiled eye to face justice before His Honorable Tyrrany.  My ancestor caused them to lose their vision eightfold and even managed to lop off one of their arms, but the blasted scoundrel used their telepathic abilities to turn the crowd against my ancestor during the trial and she died as a result.  The hatred for my ancestor must have passed on to their own descendants, causing them to seek me out and blind me as a form of revenge.  Though over the years I have learned to “see” using my other senses just as effectively.   Since then I’ve dedicated my life to tracking down the bastard and killing them with the weapon my ancestor carried.” You then pull the blade from your walking cane and set it on the man in black’s upturned palms.

“Sweet,” he says after examining it, “that thing’s the shit.” and hands it back to you.

“When I find the person with the seven-pupiled eye I will go up to them and say, Hello.  My name is Terezi Pyrope.  You fucking blinded me.  Prepare to die.”

“So you’ve done nothing but study swordsmanship since then?” he asks you curiously.

“Well I drabble a little in drawings now and again, but yes.  Although it has been such a long time since then I fear I may never find them.  In the meantime there are bills to pay and so I’m working for Karkat at the moment.  No real money in revenge.” You grin wickedly at him.

“Good luck with that then,” he says as he stands up.  He has finished replacing his shoes and seems ready to face you.

“Ready?” you ask eagerly.

“Ready or not, shit’s about to go down.” He says as he draws his katana.

“Hehehe, I like you, cool guy.  I hate to kill you.” You draw your blade as well.

“You seem like an awesome troll girl.  I hate to die.” He replies calmly as you square off.

There’s a tense pause as you both wait for the other to strike first.  Without really trying your blade flashes toward him but he easily parries and dodges a swipe to his face.  You then start to circle around him and he mirrors your movements.  There’s another pause and then you are parrying and dodging the exact same strikes you doled out a moment before.  You smile at the game you are playing with each other and immediately leap into a series of strikes and blocks as you shuffle foreword and back in a rapid-fire dance of footwork, flashing metal, and the ting of the blades as they connect with each other.  You both try to use the ruinous landscape to your advantage as you back him up a steep slope and then force him to jump down a short wall.

“You’re magnificent!” You state with a note of laughter in your voice, “I admit you’re better than me.” You back up under the onslaught of his aggression.

“You’re still smiling though.  Why’s that?” he backs you up right to the edge of the cliff you all traversed earlier.

“Cause I know something you don’t know!”

“And what is that?”

“I’m not left handed!” you cry with glee as you quickly parry his attack and flip your blade into your right hand.   He instantly goes on the defensive as your speed, precision and skill nearly double with the transition.  You push him up a small flight of steps with a new flurry of blade work.  You trap his blade between yours and a short stone ledge at the top of a crumbling balcony overlooking the cliffs.  You bear down on him when you see the wall start to give under the pressure hoping to cause him and the wall to tumble into the water waiting below.

“Huh, you’re good Pyrope.  But there’s something _you_ should know.” He doesn’t even sound winded as the cliff looms beneath him.

“What’s that?” you ask as the pressure you’re putting on him brings your face mere inches from his.

“I’m not _right_ handed.” He abruptly pushes you back and you quickly catch yourself.  You “watch” with a newfound wariness as he flips his sword dramatically and catches it stylishly in his left hand.  He then lunges at you and flips your blade expertly from your grip.  You hear it land behind you and pause to see what the man in black will do.  He’s now too far away from you to strike before you can dodge but you wonder what he might try.

To your surprise he simply stands there and wiggles the tip of his sword at you indicating that you should go fetch your own weapon.  Obligingly you turn around and leap for a mossy pole that once acted as a curtain rod you suppose and swing from it to  land next to where your weapon fell and bend quickly to retrieve it.  Once back in hand you turn and face the stranger once again.

He calmly regards you from the top of the ledge you just jumped from and with a flick of his wrist he sends his katana flying through the air to lodge itself neatly in a tuft of grass a few feet from you.  He then proceeds to leap out to the same pole you just finished using and not only does he swing on it, but he also flips his whole body around it completely and using the added momentum performs a flawless summersault to land nonchalantly next to his sword.  He picks his katana out of the ground and strikes a deceptively relaxed pose as he stares you down.

You raise an eyebrow at the elaborate display, “Just who the fuck are you?”

“I’m the shit,” he replies easily.

“Jegus, ego much? Who are you really?”

“Not sayin. Get used to it.”

You shrug and leap back in to continue your interrupted strife.  But it’s obvious that he has you solidly on the defensive now as you give ground under the pressure of his onslaught.  You become frustrated as he easily deflects anything and everything you throw at him.  You throw your whole effort into the next attack using both hands to control your blade but he merely bats you aside and confuses you for a moment by rapidly flashstepping around you, making it seem like he’s in several places at once.  As a last ditch effort you lash out at where you think he will be next but your sword is knocked to the ground and his katana is in your face preventing you from retrieving it.

You back slowly away as he advances on you and in despair you drop to your knees.

“Kill me quickly,” you request quietly as he circles around behind you.

“Nah, that’d be a waste of a good strife partner.  Still, I can’t have you following me either.”

You briefly wonder what he’s going to do when he sharply clubs you in the head with the butt of his katana and everything goes black.


	8. Finish Him Your Way

You are Gamzee Makara and you are standing on the top of one of many rolling hills that dot the landscape you are traversing.  On your back riding piggy-back style is the human Jake.  Over the last several hours he’s been grumbling about being perfectly able to walk on his own legs but Karkat ordered you to carry him lest he get the bright idea to up and run.

His bandaged hands lay limply on your chest as he is using his arms more to keep himself balanced on your back.

You and Karkat have paused for a second because you’ve noticed a figure in the distance following you, and it’s not Terezi.

“Incon-fucking-ceivable!” Karkat grates out beside you, “Gah! Put him down.” He orders and you obey, letting Jake slide down until his feet touch the ground.  Karkat then takes a small length of rope and ties it around Jakes bandaged wrists, not tight enough to hurt but Jake wouldn’t be able to get the rope off without causing more damage.  He leaves enough slack rope to hold like a leash and grabs one of his sickles in his other hand.

“Catch up with us when you’re done.” He says impatiently as he turns to leave.

“What do you want me to do,” you ask a little confused.

“Kill him! I don’t care how, do it your way!” Karkat snaps back at you.

“Oh righteous my man!  My way.  Thanks Karbro!” You smile your typical heavy-lidded stoned smile as Karkat leads Jake away.  Your smile fades a little as you sluggish thoughts turn in your head.  “Which way’s my way?” You ask yourself.

Evidently Karkat heard you because he stopped and turned to yell back at you.

“Take one of your clubs, hide behind a boulder, and when the man in black comes by here HIT HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD WITH THE FUCKING CLUB!”

Without further ado Karkat jogs off with Jake in tow.

“My way doesn’t seem motherfuckin sportsman like.” You say to no one. But you still retrieve one of your juggling clubs from their strap on your back and walk over to one of the nearby boulders to wait for the man in black.

You don’t have to wait very long.  You hear his jogging footsteps before you actually see him come running through the maze of boulders.  He slows to a walk and looks around the boulders suspiciously as if he knows someone is there waiting for him. After a short pause wherein he does a slow visual sweep of the area with his awesomely shaded oculars he continues walking through. 

This is when you strike.

Your juggling club flies past his head and smashes into a boulder directly behind the man in black and he turns sharply in the direction the club came from to face you drawing his katana in the process.  Your club isn’t damaged at all; in fact, it’s the boulder that has chips missing from it.  Troll weapons are made to be sturdy, especially highblood troll weapons.  They need to put up with your handling after all.

You grip your other juggling club and absently flip it once in the air as you move within the strangers line of vision.

“Did that on purpose my brother,” you start, “I didn’t have to miss ya know.”

“I can believe that,” he answers shortly, “So what happens now?”

“We face each other like juggalos man, sportsman-like.  No mutherfucking tricks or weapons.”

“You mean, you’ll put down your club and I’ll put down my sword and we try to kill each other like civilized bros?” he deadpans.

“I _could_ kill you right now,” you offer raising your club over your head to throw it at him.

He shrugs and sets his katana on the grass at his feet.  When he stands up again he crosses his arms like he doesn’t care.

“The odds seem to be in your favor when it comes to fisticuffs.”

“Not my fault I was born a highblood.  I don’t even motherfuckin exercise.” You smile as he starts to approach you.

You drop your club to the grass and walk toward the man in black.  You blink when he suddenly disappears and you feel a blow to your midsection as he flashsteps.  Of course to you the blow is relatively mild, you’re stronger than any human.

He tries to strike you again before stopping in front of you.  This attack is just as successful as the first, however.  You reach out to try and grab him but he just flashsteps away.

“Dude, you’re quick!” you chuckle at him. “Why do you wear those shades?” The question pops out of you without you really thinking about it.  This happens a lot. You take a swing at him and this time he simply dodges the blow without flashstepping out of the way.  “Did you get scratched in the face by a cat or something like that?”

“Nah, they’re just incredibly comfortable. Part of my swag.” He replies easily as he ducks under a few more of your swings. “Not many can pull this look off as well as I do.”

Before you can think of a reply he is suddenly behind you.  He quickly wraps his arms around your neck squeezing tightly and you struggle to draw a breath as your air supply is cut off.

“Diddn’t…think a…human would give me…so much…trouble.” You wheeze.

“Oh? Why’s that?” He inquires as you try to pry his arm away from your neck.  Unfortunately the straps that hold your juggling clubs to your back also restrict some of your arm movements and right now you don’t have the right leverage to pull him off of you.  The straps, it seems, are meant to put up with you as well.  So you try the only thing you can think of; you back up to the nearest boulder and ram against it, crushing the man in black between you and the rock.

You feel the wind rush from his lungs but his grip around your neck doesn’t lessen. “Well…I haven’t fought…just one human…in so long…I’ve been specializing…in fighting groups.  Battling gangs for local charities…makin motherfuckin…miracles.”  You try again to crush the man against a rock but his grip remains strong as you start to reel.

“Why should that make such a… _difference?_ ” He grunts out the last word as you pound him again against the rock.

“Well…you see,…you use different moves when your strifing half a dozen trolls…” you fall to your knees as you oxygen supply runs perilously low.  “than when…you only… have to be… worried about…one.”

You collapse foreword as your lungs burn and your head spins and as you gasp out the last word you black out.

\--------Be the Man in Black

You release the tall troll and flip him over onto his back pressing your ear to his chest to make sure his heart was still beating and that he had resumed breathing after you let him go.  Reassured of his vitality you stand.

“Dude’s gonna have one hell of a headache when he wakes up.  Sleep tight clown dude. Hope you dream of clown troll women or whatever.”

You flashstep over to your katana and flick it into the air with your foot.  You lean to the side so that when it comes down point first it slides home directly into its scabbard strapped to your back.  You then continue on chasing Karkat and his hostage.

\--------Be Condesce

You are now her Imperial Condescension and you are standing in the ruins at the top of the Cliffs of insanity.  When one of your bodyguards found Jake’s ripped shirt with a Martha Stewart uniform piece he brought it directly to you.

You logically assumed those who took Jake would bring him as quickly as possible to someplace they could fortify.  This is what led you to the cliffs and now you seem to be proven right as you see the tracks and footprints in the dust of the ruins. Using your telepathic powers helps you visualize what took place here mere hours before.

“A swordfight of some sort,” you announce, “Two masters duking it out.”

Your guards and bodyguard Vriska wait nearby sitting on the backs of centaur lusi. 

“Who won,” Vriska asks eagerly, “how did it end?”

“The loser ran off alone, but the winner followed those footprints toward the nearest Stewart factory.” You point in the appropriate direction.

“We going to track them both?” she asks you.

“Who cares about the loser?  I want Jake back.” You state flatly.  “Stewarts getting cunning in her old age.  We should all be on our toes.” You remount your own centaur lusus and of course when you think _your_ lusus you mean the one you’re currently using as transportation.  _Your_ precious lusus is dead.  Killed millennia after you left your home planet.

“You think this is all a trap?” Vriska watches as you mount.

“I always think everything could be a trap.  I had other fuchsia bloods to contend with after all.  Why do you think I’m still alive?”


	9. Battle of Wits

You are Karkat Vantas and you are annoyed as fuck.  Not only have you’re two incompetent bodyguards hindered more than helped on this journey they apparently couldn’t deal with one measly meddler.

Well, you assume they couldn’t deal with them. After Terezi failed to show up you assume she failed and is dead or unconscious somewhere.  You didn’t hold on to much hope for Gamzee in the first place.  The moron was usually so stoned he couldn’t tell his ass from his elbow.  The man in black probably wouldn’t have much trouble outsmarting him.

You, on the other hand, are an entirely different bag of fucked up gummy bears.

After coming to the conclusion that you’re going to have to deal with the shitface yourself you hastily come up with a plan of action, which, you smirk evilly to yourself, is not hard at all.

You hastily remove a piece of cloth from the bag you’d been carrying since you left your small ship and blindfold the human Jake with it.  You find a relatively flat rock and push a large dead branch up to it with your foot.  You then force Jake to sit on the log by telling him to sit and pulling down on the rope tied to his wrists.  He grunts in pain as he clumsily complies.

You count yourself fucking lucky the ropes used earlier caused the injury to his wrists; otherwise you may not have had control of this situation.  Jake, who was taller, stronger, and heavier than you, would have easily overpowered you had he been at full capacity. 

You hurriedly set up some food from your bag on the rock and grab one or your sickles.  You press it up to Jake’s throat and sneer a little as you watch him inhale sharply through his nose and tilt his chin up at the feel of the sharp tip pressing on his neck.

Not a moment too soon either as the man in black decided on that moment to come loping over the hill.

He stops dead in his tracks upon seeing you and you don’t give him the chance to think before you’re talking.

“Just you and me then fuckass?” you rest your chin in your palm with your elbow on the rock in front of you wanting to appear nonchalant.

The man starts walking slowly towards you as you reach over and take a sip of juice from the cup you set up earlier.

“If you want him dead that badly then by all means, keep moving forward.” You say scowling at him.

You watch him pause his steps for a moment before continuing towards you.

“I can clarify you know,” he starts.

“There’s nothing to clarify you piece of moth ridden shit.  You’re trying to hijack my hostage.”

“Maybe we can make a deal?” he hasn’t stopped walking and is effectively closing the distance between you.

“No fucking deal douche bag and you’re killing him.” You press the tip of your sickle more firmly into Jakes neck and he gasps slightly in pain as the sharp tip nicks him.

He stops moving and holds his ground.

“If you don’t want to make a deal then it’s a stalemate dude.” He places his hands on his hips and stares you down.  At least you think he’s starting at you, you can’t see his eyes through his stupid-looking shades.  “

“You got that right dickhead.  You could probably pound me into the ground but you’re no match for my insane thought processes.”

“You’re that smart?” he crosses his arms in front of his chest as he regards you.

“Ever heard of troll Einstein?  Troll Hawking?”

“Yeah.”

“Cavemen.”

“I think you just flattered the Geico Caveman.”  
“What?”

“Never mind. In that case why don’t we find out who’s smarter. A battle of wits?”

“For this shitty human?” He nods at you, “To the death?” he nods again. “You’re on!” You agree as you remove the sickle from Jakes throat and replace it at your belt.

“Sweet, then pour some more juice.” He pushes a nearby rock with his foot up to your makeshift table and seats himself.

Curious as to what he has in mind you pour some apple juice into both cups you had placed on the rock.  He then reaches into the one of the pockets of his black skinny jeans and pulls out a small vial and opening it.

“Take a whiff.” He hands you the vial and you cautiously sniff the contents.

“Sopor slime? Where the fuck did you get this?” you hand the vial back to the man.

“Your asshole clown friend had a ton of it.  I assumed he wouldn’t mind if I borrowed some.”

You grunt noncommittally as he reaches out and takes both cups.  You watch as he turns around shielding your view of what he is doing. After a moment he turns around again and sets both the cups back on the rock; one in front of you and one in front of him, putting the vial back in his pocket in the process.

“There it is dude.  Pick your poison.  You pick one and we both chug like a sweet frat party.  Whoever doesn’t end up high as a kite wins and gets to kill the incapacitated one.”

“This is too fucking easy dipshit,” you scoff at his stupidity, “You’re like an open romance novel to me.  I just have to decide whether you’d spike your own glass or mine.  If you has half a fucking brain cell left in that pinhead of yours you’d spike your own cup because you know I’d be a moron to blindly accept whatever the hell you gave me like some desperate tool, so you spike your own cup.  But you would have known I was fucking awesome at everything so you would have spiked my cup.”

“Made up your mind?”

“Fat chance you lame excuse for a fart in the wind.  That spoor slime was Gamzees and you probably stole it from his stupid fucking corpse.  So why should I trust a fucking murdering thief?  That means you spiked your own cup. “

“Haha,” his chuckle is quiet and his smile is barely an upturn of the corner of his mouth, “Where do you come up with this shit?”

“Wait till I get going!” you snarl, “You know that spoor slime is a troll thing and trolls are much more badass than any human so you spiked my cup.”

“Quit stalling like a little bitch.”

“Oh you’d like that wouldn’t you!  You’re getting off on watching my masterful mind at work fucknuts!  You kicked Gamzees ass which means you’re either smarter than he was or stronger than a highblood.  Il take a fucking leap and guess it was easy to outsmart a stoned moron.  You think so highly of yourself you spiked your own cup thinking you can beat anything.  But, you’ve also Kicked Terezis ass and while she gets off licking chalky rainbows she _knows_ shit.  So if you’re smarter than her you’d spike my cup.”

“Now you’re just fishing for clues.  Sorry I ain’t bitin.  
“I got you hook line and sinker sucker!  I know all the facts!  All of them!”

“Then pick jackass.”

“Fine! I choose-WHAT THE FUCKING GOG IS THAT?” you point over his shoulder.

“The fuck?” He turns to look and you swiftly switch the positions of the cups on the table so that his is now in front of you and yours is in front of him.

“I don’t see anything,” he turns back in your direction.

“Then you must be fucking blind with those stupid shades on fuckass.  Whatever, it’s gone now.” You scoff at him.

“What’s got you in stitches McChuckles?”

“The fuck do you care?  Let’s get on with this.  I’ll drink from my cup and you from yours.”

Without a word he takes the glass in front of him and raises it with a steady hand to his lips.  You take your own cup and match his movements.  When you see his throat work as he swallows you confidently take a few gulps of your own.  You don’t taste anything funky with your apple juice and your smugness levels climb through the roof as you watch him for signs of the slime taking affect.

“You guessed wrong,” he states and you bark out a harsh laugh.

“You only think I guessed wrong!  That’s what “McChuckles” was laughing at fuckwit!  I switched glasses while you were checking out the scenery!  It was so classic how much you fucked up just now.  Like how you should never think you can escape the miles, cause nobody escapes the miles.  But only slightly less well known is this! NEVER GO IN AGAINST A CANCER WHEN YOUR ASS IS ON THE LINE!” You cackle manically as you wait for him to drop from his seat and don’t even realize it when your vision swims and you lose track of anything resembling coherent thought.

\--------Be Jake

You are now Jake English and you’re not sure what the heck is going on.  You couldn’t see what was going on because of the blindfold and you didn’t dare say anything to draw attention to yourself.

There is now a heavy silence after you hear Karkats laughter cut off.  You try to picture what might have happened and your mind comes up with several scenarios but then you hear the rustle of cloth and feel a presence beside you.

You feel a gentle touch as the blindfold is removed from your face.  You squint at the sudden brightness of the light and squint some more as you try to focus without your glasses.  All you can see is a man crouching in front of you wearing all black.

You see him reach over and grab something from the ground and then he is placing your glasses on your face.  You can focus now and watch as he carefully removes the ropes tying your sore wrists together.

“Who are you?” you ask suspicious of your would be savior.  You can’t see his face because of the large pointy shades Karkat mentioned he was wearing earlier.

“I’m the shit and nobody should mess with me.” He replies shortly.

You look down at where Karkat lay now enjoying a drugged nap.

“Blimey,” you breathe, “all that time it was your own cup that was spiked.”

“They were both spiked,” you see his lips twitch, “Idiot didn’t know that while spoor slime tastes like piss to humans, it has no effect on them.”

He helps you stand and grabs you gently by the elbow, his fingerless leather gloves pressing against your skin.  He then takes the lead as you are again dragged along to who knows where.

\--------Be Condesce

You finish searching the area with your powers and look back up a little startled

“Someone beat a highblood.” You hear yourself saying

Vriskas eyebrows disappear into her hairline but otherwise she makes no comment from atop the centaur lusus. You jump back onto the lusus you’ve been riding and you lead your search party on, following the trail of Jakes kidnappers.

“Stewart’s gonna take a dirt nap if Jake dies.” You vow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gog I was dreading this chapter just because Karkats dialogue was going to be a bitch but it had me chuckling the whole time.


	10. Liar

You are Jake English and you have been dragged along by this guy wearing black for who knows how long.  To you it feels like hours but realistically it’s probably only been 45 minutes.  You are out of breath and stumbling over the rocky ground.

At the top of a hill the man lets go of your arm and allows you slump down into a sitting position on a nearby rock.

“Catch your breath dude,” He tells you almost rudely.  You glare up at him a moment, his breathing is deep but not labored.  Who in the world can run that long without breaking a sweat? You wonder incredulously.

“If you let me go you’ll get whatever you want as a reward chap.” You offer still out of breath. 

He merely scoffs at you and you bristle at the insult.

“Why should I believe you?” he asks as if you’re a habitual liar.

“Because if you don’t let me go now Condesce will follow our trail until she finds you and it won’t be pretty if she finds I’m your prisoner instead of you being my rescuer.”

“You think your dearest love will save you?” His facial expression remains blank but you can almost feel the sneer in his words.

“I never said she was my dearest love,” you state indignantly, “and yes, she will save me. I’m right certain of that.”

“You’re saying you don’t love your fiancée?” he asks a mild curiosity in his tone.

“She knows I don’t love her.” You don’t know why you’re explaining yourself to this ingrate.

“Incapable of love, you mean.” He accuses you.

Your anger builds to a raw burn as you stand and address him inches from his face.

“I loved someone more profoundly than a brute like you could ever dream!” you spew venomously.

You see his arm twitch as the last word leaves your mouth and you involuntarily flinch expecting a blow.  It never comes and the man doesn’t move.  He simply stares at you from behind his shades.

“Being a liar a hobby of yours?”

You glare back at him but don’t dignify his question with an answer.  He grabs your arm once more and you again resume running along in his wake.

\--------Be Condesce

You touch a droplet of some liquid left on a stone that had been used as a stool next to a makeshift tabletop.  You smell the liquid and you’re genuinely surprised that you recognize the scent.

“Sopor slime,” you state loudly, “interesting.” You look down again at the troll lying on the ground next to the repast.  He looks dead but you can see the telltale movement of his torso as he breathes.  You would assume whoever was here managed to force some of the drug-like substance into his system.  You would try to wake him but until the slimes effects wore off he’d be less than useless.  You didn’t have that much time.

“I see the path they took,” you announce after consulting your powers, “Jake is alive, or was, an hour ago.  If he is not in good health when I find him I’m going to be very irate.”

\--------Be Jake

You are stopping again at the top of the steepest hill you have yet climbed.  You are pushed down onto another rock as you try to get enough air into your lungs.

“Take a break.” Is all he says, and he still looks fresh as snow and ready to go.

“I know who you are,” you state crisply, “Only the Dread Pirate Strider is so cruel.”

“Got me,” he admits with a slight tilt of his head in your direction, “How can I be of service?” he mocks.

“You can take that cheap ass sticker of yours and go stab yourself!” You growl at the bastard.

“I’m flattered,” you detect the sarcasm in his voice but only barely. “What’d I do to deserve this malice?”

“You killed my love.” Your voice has gone quiet and your glare could melt those stupid shades right of his face if you tried hard enough.

“That’s possible. I kill a lot of people.  Who’d I kill? Another rich cougar like this one?” He sits down on the ground near you and appears to relax against a rock.  God you despise him.

“No, a city boy.  Poor.  Without a dime to his name but perfect all the same. His eyes were like ambers at sunset.  Your ship attacked his out at sea!  Everyone knows the Dread Pirate Strider never takes prisoners!”

“I can’t afford to make exceptions.” He states derisively.  “Once it gets out that a pirate had gone soft then people begin to disobey you, then it’s nothing but a shitload of work.”

“You mock my pain!”

“Life is nothing _but_ pain buddy.  If someone tells you something else then they’re out to rip you off.”

You look away in disgust unable to stomach looking at him a moment longer.  Your face is flushed with anger and you can feel the tears building in your eyes, though you fight them off.  You refuse to show this monster that he’s getting to you.

He rises from the ground leisurely and ambles toward you.

“I might remember this city boy you’re talkin about.” You refuse to look at him.  “About five years ago right?   Am I bothering you?”

You’ve mastered your emotions and found some of that numbness you had wrapped yourself in for so long.  You’re somewhat proud when your voice comes out just as blank as his face.

“Nothing you say can trouble me.”

“He died well. You’d have been proud of him.  Didn’t try to bribe or beg his way out.  He only said “Please. Please, I need to live.”  “It was the please that stuck with me.  I asked him what was so damn important.”  “True Love.” “He said.  He then described a faithful man of action and adventures whose passion for movies surpassed any good taste.”

Your lips quirk a little at that.  It sounded like something he would have said.

“I assume he was talking about you.” The man stopped walking.  He was standing a few feet away from you facing the opposite direction.

“You should thank me for putting him out of his misery before he saw your true colors.”

Your anger flared again at this jab and you couldn’t hold back your response.

“Yeah?  What am I then?” you stand and face him down for the second time that day.

“He talked about how faithful you were.” Strider nearly spat at you, “Tell me, when you found out he was dead, did you affiance yourself to your cougar within an hour, or did you wait a whole week in his memory?” You notice a slight crease in Striders brow and for all the expression he has shown you so far it was like he’d been shouting at you when his voice was the same volume it had always been.  But you didn’t care about that.  White hot rage boiled within you at this heinous accusation.

“Fuck you! Damn you straight to hell consarn it! I died that day!” You scream in his face.

You both suddenly hear the pounding of hooves and Strider turns away from you to look at the approaching party.

“Why don’t you just die too?” you grit out.  You then lunge at him and slam your shoulder into the middle of his back.  You watch as he falls foreword and begins to careen down the steep side of the hill unable to slow his momentum.

“As you wish!” You hear him yell as his body tumbled wildly downward.

Everything around you completely stops.  Your jaw drops, your eyes widen and your vision narrows until there’s nothing in your sight but that figure falling away from you.  Your heart begins to pound as hope and joy flutter wildly within your chest.  Tears form at the corners of your eyes as an overflow of emotion washes over you.

“Oh god! Dirk!  What have I done?”

Without thinking you launch yourself down the hillside after him.  You spin and tumble violently down the steep slope but all you can think of is getting to Dirk’s side.  You try to tuck in your elbows but the force of gravity makes you bounce and it feels like every last part of you is being pounded by baseball bats as you seem to find every small rock and thorny weed on the way down.

Your body finally skids to a stop as the ground levels out a little at the bottom of the hill.  You’ve landed face up and the world around you is tilting out of control. 

\--------Be Condesce

“They disappeared.” You call as you lose sight of the two figures ahead of you. “He probably saw us and panicked.  Unless I’m wrong, and let’s face it when am I ever wrong?” You Look at Vriska and she grins at you manically, “They’re headed right into the forest of LOHAC.”

\--------Be Jake again

Your whole body aches as you struggle to turn your head looking for Dirk.  You find he has landed only a few feet from you and on the trip down the hill of hell he has lost his baseball cap and his pointy shades are nowhere to be seen.   You realize it’s a small miracle that your glasses managed to stay on your face the whole way down, only knocked askew slightly when you landed.

He is struggling to sit up and his bright orange eyes lock onto your emerald ones.  You push your glasses back into place as he quickly moves to your side.  You blink up into his eyes as he wraps an arm under your head and places his other hand on the ground between your arm and your side so that he’s leaning directly over you.

“Can you move?” He asks as he slips his other hand around your side so he can pull you closer.

“Move?” you ask breathlessly, “By golly you’re alive. If you asked me to I could fly.”

You reach out and grab him around the waist as he wraps his arms around your shoulders. You fear you’ll squeeze him to death you’re holding him so tightly.  Dirk is holding you no less tightly and you simply don’t care.  He’s here, in your arms, and you never want to let him go.

He finally pulls away from you far enough so that he’s looking into your eyes again.  His arm is still between your head and the ground and he brings his other arm up so that he can caress the side of your face and you lean into his touch savoring it.

“I told you I’d always come for you.  Why didn’t you wait for me?” he whispers his intense gaze boring into you.  Without those goofy shades you can see the love shining in his eyes as he gazes at you.

“Y-you were dead mate.” You sputter somewhat coherently as his thumb brushes back and forth along your cheek.

“Death can’t stop true love.  All it can do is delay it for a while.” He smiles and it’s a genuine smile that reaches all the way into his expressive eyes.

“I won’t doubt it again.” You say as you lose yourself in the warmth of his body pressed against your side.

“You won’t need to.” He whispers and then he’s leaning down and pressing his lips against yours, pulling you close as you both savor each other.

\--------Be John

“Augh, no, no, _please_.” You say exasperated.

“What?” your dad says as he pauses the movie.

“They’re kissing again.  Do we have to watch this part?”

“Heh, someday you may not mind it.” Your dad smiles at you.

“Let’s just skip to the Forest of LOHAC that sounded awesome.”

“Alright,” your dad says still smiling, “I’ll humor you.”

You watch the scenes of the movie blur quickly by as your dad hits fast forward and then hits play again when the time is right.


	11. Forest of LOHAC

You are Jake English and you don’t think you’ve ever been this exhilarated in your life.  You and your beloved Dirk are running as fast as your feet would take you along the ravine floor.  Despite this you still manage to cling to his hand like he’s your only lifeline.

Well ok, he _is_ your only lifeline but you’re busy running now and don’t have time to think to hard about it.

You pant heavily as you run and pray to gog you don’t get a stitch in your side.  You were tired from Dirk forcing you to run earlier but that disappeared as adrenaline pumped through you upon the discovery of Dirks identity.

The tree line looms ahead of you and you both stop and look up when you hear the strange whinnying of a centaur lusus startlingly close.

“Ha! That batterwitch is too late.” Dirk squeezes your hand as you pant and see the line of lusi skylined above you. “Come on. Just a little further and we’ll be safe in the forest of LOHAC.” He then charges ahead pulling your hand and making you stumble after him quickly.

“We’re as good as dead mate,” you eye the forbidding façade of the forest.

“Nah bro. you’re just saying that cause no one’s ever survived LOHAC.”

You swallow audibly as you enter the woods.

It’s nothing like you would imagine a forest to be; for one thing it’s not dark under the canopy like you’d expect.  There’s a faint glow that imbibes everything; almost haunting in its pervasiveness.  The trees themselves don’t even look like trees.  Their bark is metallic but not like the shining metal of Dirks sword.  More like the black rust on old metal that comes from extreme heat.

You see what looks like gears and springs and other machinery poking out of the ground and if you listen hard enough you can hear a faint tick, like an enormous clock working its way around time incessantly.

You and Dirk step carefully through the forest of metal; and you clutch his hand so tightly your knuckles are white.  Yet, oddly enough, despite your fear you are thrilled to be on an adventure again and you are even more ecstatic that Dirk can once again share it with you.

You both stop as you listen to a shriek of metal grinding on metal and hear a low rumbling groan as if a giant steel pylon had so much pressure applied to it and the resulting sound came out as a low ringing growl.

Dirk looks around slowly and the edge of his lips twitch.

“Man this place is sicknasty.  A bro could totally chill out here.”

You look at him with disbelief evident on your face.

Dirk sees your expression and shrugs, “I mean it’s not like I wanna move in or anything, but this place is giving me plenty of ideas for my next rap.”

He nonchalantly looks at you again and neither of you can keep yourselves from bursting into laughter.

You wrap your arms around each other’s waist and continue on still chuckling to yourselves.

You work your way through uneven terrain, climbing over giant cogs and walking around pipes half buried in the scorched soil beneath your shoes.

You both pause and look at each other when several strange popping noises reach your ears.  You both take a step forward over a small pipe running along the ground when a pipe running up along the surface of a nearby tree suddenly spews forth a massive flame.

You feel the heat of the fire race along your left arm but the flamethrower dies out an instant later.  You get nothing worse than a few singed hairs on your arm; the fire passed by you too quickly to cause a burn.  But Dirk suddenly grabs your shoulders and whips you down so that your back is to the ground and he is beating his hands roughly against your side to smother the flames that had caught on your shirt.

You pant for a moment before Dirk offers you a hand and you take it.  He then drags you onto your feet by your wrist and you’re surprised by how _strong_ he’s become.

“How’s that for an adventure?” he quirks an eyebrow at you and you can’t help the laugh that escapes you. “You hurt?”

You shake your head, “You?” He shakes his head as well and he gently pulls you along with him as he continues down the path.

You both look sharply to your right as another popping sound alerts you.  Dirk puts a hand quickly on your shoulder and swings you around to his other side just as another gout of flame discharges right where you had been standing.  You glance at each other and Dirk smirks.

“LOHAC sure makes you pay attention.”

You roll your eyes but continue following him.

As you wind your way through the forest Dirk starts talking. At first it was inane comments on the scenery, possibly to fill the silence of the forest around you somewhat.

“We’re gonna joke about this adventure later you know.  Striders’ ship _Unreal Air_ is waiting for us at the far end.  And, as you pointed out earlier, I am Strider.” He informs you.

“I don’t understand how that’s possible mate.” You say confused.  “Strider has been prowling for over twenty years but you’ve only been gone for five.”

“Hmm, this is where things get ironic as shit because what I was telling you before about saying “please” was true.”  You are no longer alarmed when you hear the popping sound again and don’t even break your forward momentum as Dirk pulls you closer to him making you avoid yet another jet of flames.

“It must have seemed ironic to bro Strider and he was amused as hell at your description.  He said “Fine, Dirk.  I’ve never had a younger bro but you can try it if you think you can live up to all this awesome.  I’ll probably kill you in the morning.”

“This went on for three damn years.  “Night Lil’ bro, you did good shit today. I’ll probably kill you in the morning.” “Had a hell of a time though.  Bro taught me to fight with a sword. Though for some reason he always used a broken sword.  Said it was ironic or some shit like that.”

He gives you a boost up a wall of metal blocking your path and you reach down and pull him up after you.

“What happened then?” You ask eager to hear more about his adventuring.

“Bro was filthy rich by that point and wanted to retire from pirating.  So when we were alone he confided in me.”

“I’m not the Dread Pirate Strider Dirk.  I got this ship from _my_ bro Strider, and you will get it from me.  The man I got it from wasn’t the real Strider either.  The real Pirate Strider was some douche full of his own importance who wore these ridiculous pointy anime shades.  I prefer my aviators.” He was never seen without them, in fact. “He’s been retired for who knows how long and is busy playing with puppets or some shit in Texas.”

You help Dirk ascend a fallen metal tree as he continues his narration.

“Bro explained that it was the name that was the important part for inspiring the needed fear.  Cause you _know_ everyone would surrender to the Dread Pirate Dirk but only after the shit ton of work was done to establish the reputation.  Seemed easier to just take the existing name.  So we got an entirely new crew and Bro stayed on for a while as second in command, the whole time calling me Strider.  Once the crew was on board with it he left and I’ve been Strider ever since.  But now that I have you again I’ll retire and give the name to someone else.”

You’ve stopped in a small clearing as he finishes his narrative looking at you.  You stare back into his amber eyes.

“You get all that?” he asks you.  You nod wordlessly and just drink him in.  You’re so happy to be with him again your adventurer’s spirit has returned and you happily turn to lead the way for once.

That, it seems, was a mistake.  Because the third step you take leaves you sinking instantly over your head in a pit of sand.

\--------Be Dirk

“Jake!” You yell as you watch him disappear into the sand.  A note of panic grips you but you’re way too controlled to let it show.

You instantly look around you for anything to help you get Jake out of there your brain swiftly calculating the best course of action.  There are what look like metal cables hanging loosely from the odd flora of the forest and you draw your sword and slice through the nearest one with a shower of sparks. 

Gripping the end of your new lifeline you dive into the sand trap after Jake without hesitation.

If anyone were to be watching you from above the ensuing  seconds that tick by would seem like hours as they wait anxiously for any hint of your return.  They would watch as the cable leading into the sand trap would twitch every once in a while. An observer would recoil in horror as an I.M.P. approached the sand trap you have entered.  They would watch as the creature would sniff at the edge of the sand trap and sigh in relief when it aimlessly wanders away gain.

But you’ve got this. You are Dirk The Dread pirate Strider and when you set out to do something it gets done.

You pull yourself out of the pit with Jakes’ arms wrapped around your neck.  As soon as your heads break the surface you’re both gasping for air and coughing up sand.

You both collapse on the solid ground beside the pit and try to catch your breath.


	12. IMPs

You are Jake English and sand is fine on the beaches of your pacific island, but not when it nearly suffocates you.

You lay on the ground next to the sand sink hole you walked right into coughing up more sand and gasping for air.  Dirk is likewise coughing as he rolls onto his back next to you.

You push yourself to your knees and awkwardly crawl over to the nearest tree and collapse into a sitting position with your back up against it.  Dirk has followed you over in a likewise fashion and as soon as you stop moving he is putting your arms around you.

It wouldn’t be very adventurer-like to admit but the truth is you had been terrified.  The inability to breathe and the lack of light made you panic and the crushing weight of the sand held you paralyzed and helpless.  But then you had felt the strong sure hands touch you and you were able to get a death grip on Dirk so he could pull you out of the death trap by the line he had brought with him.

You shudder as Dirk hugs you close and tremble as you cling to his shoulders and just breathe.

\--------Be Dirk

You are now Dirk and you wouldn’t admit it but for a moment you had been terrified.  When you dove into the sand trap to find Jake there had been no air, no light, and there had been an agonizing eternity before you finally found him and felt him latch onto you.

Now that you were both out you took a moment to reassure yourself that he was alive and well as you hold him close.

An odd nose catches your attention and you glance up to see several sets of eyes pinned on you.  The owners of those eyes are making the odd growling noises you hear.  The small black creatures seem to be grinning obscenely at you with wickedly sharp-looking teeth’ their clawed hands helping them cling to the rough bark of the metallic trees of the forest.

“B-blimey.” You hear Jake pant, “We’ll never make it.” He clings to you even more tightly.  You decide to ignore your audience and abscond before Jake notices them.

You pull back enough to look him in the eyes as you reply.

“Nah, we’ve already made it,” you brush sand off of his face and remove his sandy glasses to shake them.  You pull him to his feet but keep hold of his hand as you lead him again.  “Just look at us, blazing our way through LOHAC and its crazy quirks.”  You stand up and pull him to his feet intending to get moving as soon as possible. “Random flamethrowers?  Easy.  We can hear them coming.” You pick up your sword from where you had dropped it before rescuing Jake but keep it in your other hand instead of re-sheathing it.  “Sand pits?  Well you showed us what those look like so we won’t fall into another one.”

“Dirk,” Jake stops you by putting a hand on your shoulder, “what about the I.M.P.s?”

“Impossibly Mutated Pests?” You say lightheartedly, “I don’t think they exist”

\--------Be Jake again

Before the last word had completely left Dirks mouth something slammed into his chest and sent him sprawling on his back.  You saw to your horror what looked like a tiny person with hard black skin attacking Dirk.  His sword had flown out of his hand at the impact and he was scrambling to keep the little fiend from sinking it’s teeth in. 

You immediately reached for your pistols but are dismayed when you realize you had been disarmed by the three trolls who had abducted you.  You glance at your bandaged hands and hesitate.  If you jump in now to help Dirk would you be of any help to him?  As good at fisticuffs as you are you’re still severely handicapped without full use of your hands.

You year Dirk yell loudly and to your horror the creature had chomped onto his forearm.  Dirk balled a fist and swung at the bugger with everything he had.  That succeeded in knocking the creature off and Dirk quickly rolled over and reached for his sword.  But before he could grip the handle the I.M.P. was on him again and Dirk was too busy trying to keep it at arm’s length to try for his sword again.  Unfortunately for you their tussle is blocking you from reaching his katana as well.

Dirk finally manages to get his feet between him and the monster and with a good kick he sends it flying away from him.  You see him go for his sword again but in that moment the I.M.P. decides you are an easier target and charges you.

“Dirk!” You yell startled at the charge and brace yourself for impact.  But before it even reaches you Dirk manages to flashstep in and tackles the creature to the ground before it can reach you.  This vexes you slightly because while you’re grateful Dirk spared you the creatures attack he still hasn’t gotten a hold of his sword.

The creature switches its attention back to Dirk and in a burst of inhuman speed it latches onto Dirks left shoulder and you hear him grunt in pain.  Rage shoots through you at this and you find a branch on the ground nearby and pick it up clumsily with both hands.  You aim and take your best swing and the end of the branch lands squarely on the side of the I.M.P.s head stunning it slightly. 

You and Dirk both look up when you hear a familiar popping sound and Dirk is rolling towards it before you can blink.  The jet of flame erupts from the floor of the forest and Dirk shoves the creature directly into its line of fire.  A hideous shriek escapes it and Dirk manages to push himself away from it as it burns. 

Dirk manages to stand and flashstep to his katana and pick it up.  The I.M.P. stands as well, its black skin shouldering from the intense heat of the flames as it crawls in mindless aggression towards Dirk.  With a seeming nonchalance Dirk steps forward and sinks his blade into the creatures’ heart and it shrieks one last time before falling limp.

You can only stare in wonder as Dirk turns to look back at you.  Your eyes find his amber ones and you close the distance between you as he pants from exertion.  You carefully examine the ragged bite marks on his forearm and shoulder but neither of you has any medical gear and since Dirk isn’t bleeding profusely the only thing you can do is press on.


	13. White Flag, With a Catch

You are Dirk the Dread Pirate Strider and you have successfully navigated the forest of LOHAC unharmed.  Well Jake is unharmed and that is all you really care about.

Your left shoulder and right forearm hurt like a bitch though.

Jake clings to your right hand as you both walk through the now normal trees at the far edge of the forest.  You carry your katana in your left hand but your injured shoulder is making it very difficult to lift the blade more than a few inches.  Between his wrists and your new wounds you’re fairly certain you both make a rather pathetic sight right about now.  Which is something you’d rather not think about, so not cool man.

You both spot a peaceful looking lake beyond the trees ahead of you and you both pause to admire the view.

“We did it.” Jake says as he presses into your side.

You both look at each other and your mouth quirks as you reply.

“Was that a piece of fucking cake or what?”

Jake rolls his eyes at you but his smile betrays his amusement.  You both lean towards each other to share a kiss when the sound of hooves causes you both to whip around.

Shit.  The party that had chased you into the woods has finally caught up with you and you aren’t in a very good condition to strife your way out of this.  You still raise your katana defensively and your shoulder screams at you but you resolutely ignore it.

The well dressed woman in the middle holding herself very regally is the first to speak from atop her pale, centaur-like steed.

“Surrender.”  She says with a smirk.

“Wise choice,” you reply without really having to think about your response, “I accept your surrender.”

Out of the corner of your eye you see Jake’s hands twitch around his empty gun holsters and you feel a swell of pride that he would so easily choose you over this cougar.

“Hmm,” the Condesce smiles at you, “Cute, but don’t be stupid.”

“You gonna try to catch us?” You inquire with a completely lighthearted tone.  “We know LOHAC’s secrets.  Permanent residence isn’t looking too shabby at the moment.  Next time you feel like burning in its sick fires, by all means, pay us a visit.”

You don’t take your eyes off Condesce but you see Jake looking around and see the slight movement of snipers surrounding you.

“Surrender.” Condesce tells you again.

“Not happening.”

“For the last time, surrender!”

“Death first bitch!” You squeeze Jakes hand.

“Promise you won’t bloody hurt him?” Jake blurts out beside you.

“What?” The Condesceasks in surprise.

“The fuck?” You turn to Jake your confusion momentarily breaking your stoic mask.  Well fuck your mask is already pretty much broken without your shades.

Jake doesn’t look at you.  Instead he takes a step forward  and grips your hand like a vice.

“If we wave the white flag and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt him?” Jakes voice is strong and doesn’t waver but you feel the slight trembling of his hand in yours.

“May I live another thousand sweeps and never cull again.” Condesce agrees quickly.  Too quickly in your estimation.  And while you see the lie for what it is Jake is too trusting and oblivious to realize what’s going on. 

“He sails on the ship _Unreal Air_.  Promise you’ll return him to his ship.”

“Done.” Condesce then nods to the snipers who the emerge from their cover and converge on you.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK.  This can’t be happening.  You’ve succeeded only to fail at the last second.  Now Jake is in the Batterwitch’s clutches again and you’re unable to fight your way out.  The only think you can do is go along with this charade and hope you can get him out of there later.

\--------Be Condesce

Your smugness levels  have now gone through the roof.  Jake is yours again and you now have a little gift all wrapped for you as well.  You lean slightly towards Vriska who is next to you and give her her next instruction under your breath so only she can hear you.

“When we’re gone take him to Derse and throw him in the dungeon.”

You can see the pleasure light up on her face as she realizes your intent and nods once.  You knee your steed toward the object of your search.  He is speaking quietly to the interloper but you can still hear him because you are just that awesome.

“I lost you once chum and it nearly destroyed me.  I wouldn’t be able to bear it if you died again when I was capable of putting my foot in and doing something about it.”

Before he can say anything else you reach down and haul him onto the lusus in front of you and proceed to abscond.

\--------Be Dirk

You watch as Jake disappears beyond the trees and the soldiers close in around you.  You don’t pay them any attention until Jake and the Condesce are out of sight and the lead bodyguard Sneers at you.

“Come on.  Let’s get you to your _ship._ ” You can practically feel the malice in the last word she speaks as you lock gazes with her.

You let the edge of your mouth curl into a condescending smirk as the guards push you at gunpoint.

“We’re both way cooler than this whole farce.  I’m don’t feel like playing anymore anyway.” You state.

She merely chuckles and rests her chin in her palm as her gaze bores into your own. “Couldn’t have put it better myself.” She nods at the guard directly behind you who then proceeds to divest you of your katana and shackle your wrists together behind your back.  You don’t even blink as you stare her down.

Something is odd about her eyes and when you figure out what it is you can’t help the smug grin you find plastered to your features.

“Whatcha lookin at hotcakes?”

“You have seven pupils in your left eye.  Someone’s looking for you.” You don’t even see her tense before she strikes at you and you black out.


	14. Derse Dungeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter is Short :)

You are Dirk the Dread Pirate Strider and you struggle to wakefulness in a painful haze.  Your head hurts where the troll bitch hit you.  Your forearm is a dull throb. 

You feel something brushing against your shoulder wound and it is this that is making your shoulder a mass of fire and knives lancing down to your hand and up your neck.

You open your eyes and the first thing you see is that you are in a cavernous enclosure made out of purple brick.  There is very little light and what light there is is provided mainly by torches set along the walls.  From your position you are looking up at the ceiling and you realize you are chained to a table when you try and fail to move your hands and feet.

Your head is free, however, and you turn it to look at whatever is aggravating your wound.  Beside your “bed” you see what appears to be an extremely short troll.  You wonder for an instant how he could be so short because his head only reaches so far above the table you are strapped to.  When you look closer you realize that he isn’t short; he’s sitting in a wheelchair.

His horns strike you as being disproportionately large for his head.  They stick horizontally out of his temples and curve upwards right at his shoulders.  His hair is somewhat shaggy but is very close cropped around his ears and horns giving him a look that could be confused for a limp Mohawk.

He was in the process of daubing the bite marks on your shoulder with a clean rag and water; thus the pain that woke you.  But as soon as you had turned to look at him he stopped and gave you a sharp toothed grin.

“Where am I” you find yourself asking.

“Uh…the Derse Dungeons.” He begins hesitantly, “I wouldn’t try to escape.  The chains are too thick.  I, uh, wouldn’t count on rescue either,” he continues to clean your shoulder; “Only The Condesce, her bodyguard and I know how to get in.”

“So I’m just going to sit here till I die of boredom?”

“Or until they kill you, yeah.” The troll mutters.

He rinses out the bloodied rag and continues to clean up your shoulder.  Given the circumstances this confuses the fuck out of you.

“Why waste time patching me up then?”

“The Condesce and Vriska want everyone at 100% before they break them.”

“Torture.  Got it.” You say grimly.  The troll nods in affirmation. “Bring it on.”

He then shakes his head at you expression serious, his enormous horns swinging ponderously with the motion. 

“Don’t think I can take it?” You say bravely.

“You survived LOHAC.  Anybody that can do that must have balls of steel.  But nobody escapes the miles.” He finishes with your shoulder for now and rolls away in his chair.  Leaving you to wonder.


	15. Page of Rottenness

You are the Condesce and you were walking down the hall in your mansion, your bodyguard Vriska at your side when the sight of Jake English caught your eye.  You looked out the window and saw him aimlessly wandering the streets of the little town with that numb look on his face.

When you stopped to gaze at Jake Vriska had stopped as well.

“He’s been moping around ever since LOHAC.” You observe. “It’s Mr. Crocker’s health.  Old Poppop hasn’t been doing well lately.  Jake is terribly upset.”

“Of course.” Vriska replies nodding sagely at you.

Later that night you get the sad news that Poppop Crocker had passed.  To brighten everyone’s spirits you decide not to waste time and immediately proceed with the wedding ceremony for yourself and Jake.  The next day you hold a celebration in the square to celebrate Poppop’s life and your wedding at the same time.

After everyone was gathered you announce your new husband and watch Jake emerge from the front door of your mansion.

\--------Be John

“Wait a minute!” You yell indignantly.  “That can’t be right!  Jake can’t marry the Condesce!”

Your dad looks at you after he pauses the movie.

“He was gonna marry Dirk.” You insist. “It would be totally unfair if he didn’t marry Dirk after all that Dirk did for him!”

“Who said life was fair?” Your dad asks you seriously.

“Ugh this movie is so messed up!” You yell angrily as you smack the couch cushion with a fist.

“Do you not want to watch anymore?” Your dad sighs.

“No, I do.” You say contrite.

“That’s fine son, just don’t interrupt anymore.”

\--------Be Jake

You walk out of Condesce’s mansion in your good suit and come face to face with the people of the town.  They all had mournful looks on their faces after enduring Poppop’s funeral but they give you small genuine smiles as you step into their midst.

“Hissssss!”

You hear over the silence.  You frown and look for the source of the disturbance.

“Hissssss!”

There in front of everyone else you see a short troll girl with triangular horns shaped like cat ears.  She’s wearing a long green trench coat and a blue cap with a kitty face on it and holes where her horns poked through.  She was standing only a few feet from you and at the racket she was making everyone seemed to step away from her; leaving her in her own little bubble of space.

“Hissssss!” she hisses at you again her pretty face contorted in anger.

“Why are you doing this?” You ask somewhat confused.

“Because you had a matesprit who loved you and you gave it up!”

“They would have killed Dirk if I hadn’t done anything about it!” You cry in your own defense.

“Your matesprit lives, and you go and marry someone else!” She screeches angrily.  She then turned to the other townspeople and shouts your shame out for all to hear. “True love saved him in LOHAC and he treated it like a litter box!” She points at you with an accusing look in her eye and continues.  “You’re not as princely as we all thought you were.   You’re more like a Page. The Page of Trash!”

You can only back away a step at her vehement claims and look around you in growing horror as the townspeople stare.

“Go ahead and grovel and praise him if you want.” She spits at the crowd. “Bow to the Page of Gunk, the Page of Muck, the Page of Rottenness!  Hisssss!  Hisssss!” she continues to spit at you and her words hold the awful ring of truth to them.  You can only look on in horror as your guilt starts to eat you alive.

“Rubbish!  Filth! Slimy! Hisssss! Hissssssssss!”

“HISSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!”

You shoot straight up in your bed as the nightmare releases you and you pant and sweat and tremble trying to gather the pieces of your courage back together and face reality.

There were only ten days left until you were to marry Condesce.  Poppop Crocker was still alive for which Jake was grateful for but his nightmares were steadily becoming worse.

\--------Be John

“Ha! I told you he wouldn’t marry the stupid Batterwitch!” You crow triumphantly.

“Yes son I’m proud of how smart you’ve become.  Now shoosh.” You both turn back to the movie.


	16. Instead of Offing Yourself

You are Jake English and you are practically flying down the halls of the mansion.  When you reach your destination you burst into Condesces office.  She looks up at you startled by your abrupt entrance.

“Now see here. I Love Dirk. I always have and nothing is going to change that. If you’re going to keep me at my word to marry you in 10 days then I’m informing you now that I will most likely not be alive come morning.”

Condesce could only stare at you silent for a moment.  You keep eye contact to let her know you are dead serious; or will be literally if it comes to that.

You watch as she breaks eye contact with you for a moment looking quickly around the room thinking.  Finally her eyes rest on yours again as she speaks.

“I don’t wish to be the cause of strife between us.” She says hesitantly. “The wedding is hereby called off.” You are somewhat surprised that the Condesce would give in to your demand so easily and you watch in surprise as she stands and addresses her bodyguard whom you had not noticed was standing in the room with you until this moment.

“You returned this Dirk to his ship?” Condesce asked Vriska.

“Duh.”

“Then we will contact him.” Condesce turns back to you and hesitates with her next words which strikes you as odd but you suppose being all out rejected by someone you love will do strange thing to people. “Darling, are you positive this fellow still desires you?  You were the one who left him in LOHAC you know.” Her words hit you and guilt spreads through you at the truth there but you stare back at her with resolve. “You also know that pirates are pathological liars.”

“Dirk will always come for me.” You say quietly but you have the force of conviction behind your words.

Condesce nods but you can’t help but catch the look that flashes across her face.  The look of someone who thinks you’re crazy but is trying to humor you.  A little resentment swells up in you but you swallow it in the face of her acquiescence.

“How about we make a deal?”She asks you suddenly. “You write several copies of a letter. I will send four of my fastest drones in each direction. The Dread Pirate Strider has always been close to the island this time of year. My drones will find him and deliver your message. If Dirk wants you back then you have my good wishes. If not,” She steps close to you looking imploringly into your eyes, “I hope you consider one such as I as an alternative to offing yourself.” You can only stare at her for a moment. Her fuchsia irises gazing at you from the yellow fields of her eyes. “Deal?”

You nod.

\--------Be the Condesce

You are now the Condesce and you are currently walking through the jungle of Jakes island with Vriska as always at your side.  You are heading to a particular set of ruins you discovered shortly after making the island your permanent residence.  The crumbling walls of the ruins left above ground had an odd violet cast to them.  After exploring for a while you stumbled upon a doorway that led to an underground chamber.  You have since dubbed the ruins Derse and with Vriska’s help you have turned the underground chamber into your own private torture room.

As you make your way to the Derse Dungeon Vriska speaks up.

“That Jake character is a nice catch. A little derpy but still a hottie.” She smiles wickedly at you.

“I know, the villagers love him.” You both stop for a moment just outside the cleverly concealed door to the dungeon. “It’s ironic you know.  When I ordered Vantas to have him murdered on our engagement day I thought that was sheer brilliance.  But it’s going to be so much more satisfying to stick my 2x3 dent in him on our wedding night.” You chuckle maliciously, “One Stewart is blamed everyone will be ravenous for her head. After that war will certainly be inevitable.” Vriskas evil smile becomes a match for your own at this.

She then turns around and looks at the ground.  There are three odd little lizard skulls sitting there and she regards them with a thoughtful glare.

“I always forget which one opens the door.” She picks up the furthest one on the left and slides it into the indent conveniently placed on the wall. “Ah.” She sighs satisfied as the purple door slides open with a groan. “Are you coming? Dirk has recovered and I’m going to use the miles on him tonight.”

“Serket,” You say with a long suffering sigh, “You know I love watching you work. But I have the town’s fifth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my husband to murder, and Stewart to frame for it.  I’m booked.”

Vriska places her hand on your arm, “Go get your beauty sleep.”


	17. The Red Miles

You are Dirk the Dread Pirate Strider and for you things are looking rather grim.  You try not to show your apprehension as the troll in the wheelchair, who called himself Tavros, pushes the table you are strapped to across the room. You were somewhat surprised to find that the table you are strapped to is mounted on wheels.

The troll bitch, Vriska, who knocked you out is sitting at a ridiculously ironic little desk that looks horribly out of place in the purple gloom of the dungeon. Standing next to her is a small black creature with shiny black skin that looks like it would be hard to the touch, like armor, or an insect’s carapace.  This creature is wearing what looks like a black suit and a matching black hat and it is staring at you with what looks like boredom.  The only color you notice is a flash of gold from a ring on its hand.

“Quite handsome isn’t he?” She asks you while vaguely gesturing towards the black carapace. “Took me a shitton of time to track this guy down.  But I was lucky, seeing that I have all the luck.  All of it. You see, this guy can use the ring he’s wearing to create the red miles and I’m currently in the process of writing a detailed report for my boss on how the red miles can be used to crush her enemies.”

You refuse to answer, letting your silence speak for you.

She then turns to the carapace and gives him his instructions.

“Since this is our first go at him just use one tendril Droog.” She tells him and he nods once.

He holds out the segmented hand wearing the ring and immediately a red whip-like cord emerges from an eerie red glow that forms around his hand.  It seems to writhe and snake around the dungeon for a moment before orienting on you prone form.

It brushes across your arm and it’s all you can do not to cry out in pain. Pain shoots up your arm like electricity running through your veins and even deep into your bones. Your skin where it touched you burns like the tendril was dipped in acid.  Yet most ironic of all the damn thing leaves no marks. Your skin remains its normal pale shade and there’s no evidence of the agony it’s causing you as it slides up your arm, across your shoulder and down your exposed chest.

You can’t help but writhe and strain against the bonds holding your hands, feet, and head in place. Your muscles convulse as the pain explodes underneath that things deceptively gentle touch.

Without a sound you manage to slit your eyes open and glare at Vriska who is smirking down at you.  You catch a glimpse of Tavros watching from his wheelchair parked near the foot of your table.  His face seems serious and a little sad as he watches your torture.

It seems like an eternity before Vriska gives the order to stop.  The miles pulls away from you but the pain still lingers.  Your skin feels raw and burned and your limbs still twitch as jolts of pain still echo through your limbs.

Vriska sits down at her desk as she watches you convulse.

“The red miles is a leftover weapon from a game centuries old.  I’m glad we are able to put it to good use again.  I like to think I’ve just stolen a year of your life.  In the future I may use as many as five tendrils of the miles on you but to be honest I have no idea what that would do to you.  This is a good start though.”

You barely register what she is saying as the pain starts to recede.  The electrical jolts of pain are fading away now but your skin still feels burned where the miles touched you.  You’re gasping for air like you’ve just run a marathon.

“Please tell me how I’m doing.  And don’t be afraid to be honest.  Don’t worry I can take it.”

You squeeze you eyes shut as you try to steady your breathing and give the only answer that comes to mind.  You flick her off.

“Interesting.” Her shit-eating grin doesn’t bode well for you.

\--------Be the Condesce

You are the Condesce and you are up to your nook in paperwork.  The celebration and the wedding are both creating a mountain of paperwork for you to sort through and you are in no mood for nonsense.

At that particular moment in time the captain of your small private police force enters your office and clears his throat to catch you attention.

You look up to see a massive troll built like a tank.  His muscles bulge through the thin black tank top he’s wearing to great effect.  He’s looking at you through a stupid pair of cracked sunglasses and you can just barely see the faint outline of the circles under his eyes colored a deep indigo, the same as his blood color.

“Yes, Equius?” you ask.

“You called for me Majesty?” He replies respectfully.  You can’t help the smile that plays across your face.  He’s the only one who still calls you that. A stickler for protocol this one.  It harkens back to the time when you were empress and sole ruler of your race back on your home planet. You aren’t any longer but this detail doesn’t seem to matter to him in the slightest. You beckon him over to you with a finger and he instantly jumps into motion, coming to kneel beside your chair.

 “As Darkleer’s heir I trust you with the information I am about to give you.  Assassins in the payroll of one Martha Stewart are invading the jungle on the other side of the volcano.  They plan to murder my groom on our wedding night.”

“I had not heard anything from the other officers or even the centaur lusi who roam the island.”

You both look up startled as a new voice catches you both off guard.

“Any news from Dirk?” Jake asks from the doorway of your office. Equius stands up respectfully in Jakes presence.

“Too soon, angelfish.” You say to placate him. “Have a little patience.”

“He’ll come for me.” He says with a calm air.

“Of course he will.” You smile at him.

His green eyes light with triumph as he turns away and continues walking down the hall.  You look up at Equius and he immediately kneels at your side again.

“He will _not_ be harmed.” You say with finality.  An order. “On our wedding day I want the jungle swept and emptied of anyone suspicious.”

You watch as Equius tenses up and sweat starts to bead on his brow. You see his hands fidget nervously.

“Our regular force won’t be enough to catch them all Majesty.  The jungle is too big and there are too many places to hide.”

“Form a fucking brute squad then.” You say venomously. You watch as the sweat breaks out all over his body in his anxiety. “I want the jungle emptied before I marry.”

“It won’t be easy…” He says quietly.

“Try ruling a planet sometime.”


	18. Oh no, They're Working Together Now

You are Equius Zahhak and you are surveying the controlled chaos around you from atop the piloted drone you rode in on.  It was the day of the wedding and your brute squad is working exceptionally hard ridding the jungle of its inhabitants.

One of your officers approaches you and you look down at the yellowblood as his red and blue eyes meet your own.

“Is everybody taken care of?” You ask him.

“Almotht,” he lisps at you, “Thereth a tealblood chick giving uth thome trouble.”

“Well, you give _her_ some trouble.” You growl at him.

The yellowblood nods solemnly at you and you turn to the rustblood pilot driving the drone.

“Move.” You order her.  She smiles brightly at you and shifts the controls, her curved horns oddly appealing, though you are too much a blueblood to pursue anything with her.

\--------Be Terezi

You are now Terezi and you are sitting propped up against a makeshift hovel with a stick of chalk in your hand and doodles across the side of the building.  There are traces of different colors smeared across your face from where you’d licked to see what you’re doing.

The commotion around you doesn’t bother you in the slightest and you ignore it in favor of drawing a scalemate in one of your favorite shades of red.

“Hee hee!  I’m waiting for you Karkat! You told me to go back to the forest if something went wrong. So here I am and here I’ll stay.”

“You there!” Someone yells in your direction.  You hear someone approaching you and you look up.

“I’m still not budging, so you can shut up and go away like I told you last time.” You tell the yellowblood.

“But the Condethe gave orderth.” He retorts.

Without warning you are on your feet with your staff unsheathed and the tip whistling as it flies through the air at the intruder.  He blocks your attacks with a stupid mace he must have picked up somewhere because you can tell he has zero skill using it.  It’s still effective at blocking your staff though.

“Karkat gave orders too. When a job goes bad you go back to the beginning.  Well this is where we got the job so _obviously_ this is the beginning.” You grin at him, “So I stay until Karkat arrives.”

“Come here!” You hear him shout and you’re almost positive he wasn’t speaking to you but you mentally shrug and keep your guard up.

“I’m waiting _here_ for Karkat.” You state again if it wasn’t already obvious.  Without warning someone grabs you by the shoulders and completely hoists you off the ground.

“You surely are a big brat.”

You loll your head backwards and laugh when you recognize the voice and the scent of your captor.  He sets you down again and you turn and tilt your head up at him grinning crazily.

“Sup dudette?” He says to you.

“Ha! It’s you!” you say happily.

“So true.” He continues to rhyme with you.

At that moment the yellowblood decides to rush you but your friend simply backhands him and he flies backwards to the ground and doesn’t get up again.

“You’re a mess.” He says noticing the chalk all over your face.

You merely smile and shrug.

You both move into the hovel you had commandeered and Gamzee then tells you all about how Karkat got stoned and how the Condesce’s bodyguard was a troll with seven pupils in her left eye.

You are silent for a moment as the news sinks in and Gamzee takes this as an opportunity to grab a wet cloth and wipe the chalk off you face.  You quickly become annoyed with this however and push his hand away.

“Enough. Where is Serket? I feel the need to bring her to justice.”

“She’s with the Condesce in the village.” He replies motioning vaguely in the right direction. “The gate’s guarded by 30 blue bloods.”

Frustrated you lean your head on your hands, which are resting on the dragon head of your cane.

“How many could you take?” You ask out of morbid curiosity.

“Probably not more than 10, man.” He shakes his head.

You nod. “That leaves 20 for me. Not good odds even at my best.” You readjust your red shades thoughtfully. “Shit where’s Karkat when you need him? I’m no good at this leader business and making plans and decisions.”

“Karkat’s gone. Nobody knows where he went after he sobered up.”

“Hmm. Maybe not Karkat.” You brighten as an idea strikes you. “I could use the man in black though.”

“Huh?” Gamzee looks confused.

“Look, he beat you, he kicked _my_ ass, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he duped Karkat too.  A guy like that can plan my stronghold  assaults any day. Come on, let’s go.” You say as you suddenly rise and head out the door.

“Where?”

“To find the man in black dumbass.” You’d be rolling your eyes if he could see you doing it.

“You don’t know where he his though.”

“Ha! That’s nothing. I’ve waited a long time for this.” You grin maniacally. “There will be a rainbow of blood tonight!”


	19. A Troll Scorned

You are the Condesce and you sit  contentedly in your office idly polishing your 2x3dent.  The wedding is fast approaching and doing something with your hands is soothing.

At that moment Equius hurries into your office and kneels respectfully to you on the other side of your desk.

“You may stand. Report.” You order him.

“The jungle is now empty.  Thirty guards are patrolling the town.” He says succinctly.

“I want the guards doubled.” You say immediately. “My groom must be safe.”

“Your mansion has only one key.” You look up at him patronizingly. He pulls out an odd fuchsia key  with your symbol blazoned on it. “I have it.”

At that moment you hear a familiar pair of boots approaching and stand with a smile as Jake enters your office.

“Darling! You advance on English with open arms. You take his hand in yours and look him straight in his green eyes.  “It’s almost time for the ceremony.  Tomorrow morning Equius’s trolls will escort us to the beach of your island where every drone in my army will escort us on our honeymoon.”

Jakes face had been blank when he entered but at your proclamation a frown tugs at the corners of his mouth and his eyes narrow as he looks at you.

“Every drone but the four fastest ones, you mean.” His gaze seems to bore into yours then.

Your confusion makes you silent as he waits for a response from you. When he doesn’t get it he elaborates for you.

“Every drone but the four you sent.”

“Of course angelfish! You say promptly hoping you can cover up this mistake and his rather obtuse nature lets you off the proverbial hook. “Obviously not those four!”

Jake keeps looking at you with his eyes narrowed and you’re not sure if you were convincing enough this time. You hear Equius clear his throat behind you and you turn to watch him pay his respects to you as he shows himself out the door.

When you turn back to Jake you see the betrayal and accusation written all over his face as he makes his next statement.

“You never did send the bloody drones. Don’t bother lying about it.”

Your smile for him has faded by now and you feel a look of cold calculation has replaced it.

“You’re a silly human.” You turn from him and walk back behind your desk where you grab your 2x3dent with one hand and put away the polishing cloth with the other.

“Yes I am a silly human for missing the fact that you’re a frigging bitch.” He accuses you boldly.

You stab the bottom end of your 2x3dent into the floor as you stare him down.

“I wouldn’t say things like that if I were you.” You warn him in an ominously calm voice.

“Why the hell not? You can’t hurt me.” His self assurance infuriates you as you listen. “Dirk and I are bound by the ties of love.  Even you, with all your powers as Condesce, cant track that. You can’t break it, even if you used every last drone in your armada.” His anger flares then and you see it light his eyes as he moves to face you on your side of the desk. “And when I say you’re a bitch its because you’re the biggest bitch to ever natter away going bluh bluh!”

Your temper snaps and you grab a fistful of his shirt.  You press the point of your weapon to his throat and force him to walk with you as you head out of your office.

“I wouldn’t say things like that if I were you!” You scream at him.

You haul him down the hallway to a bedroom and shove him inside locking the door from the outside with a deadbolt.  The room ad one big window but you were positive he would find no easy way out as the window was barred.  This particular room was built with the intention of keeping prisoners.  As the Condesce you had always done this and you didn’t feel the need to stop just because you now resided on earth.

Your fury boils inside you at Jakes accusations and you find yourself practically flying outside and through the jungle to the ruins and the Derse dungeons.

You are aware of Vriska,  Tavros, and the black carapace looking up at you as you enter but you completely ignore them.  You don’t stop until you find yourself standing over the prone form of Dirk, still strapped to the table on wheels and awaiting the next round of the red miles. You lean over him to look in his eyes as you speak.

“You’re fucking nuts over each other and you _might_ have been happy, once upon a time. That love is rare even in the vastness of the universe no matter what the fanfiction says.” Dirk blinks solemnly up at you but his orange eyes hold no fear of you and that makes you furious all over again. “Because you are so _blessed_ ,” you hiss the word at him, “No one will ever suffer more than you will.”

You turn and point to the carapace standing nearby. “Give him everything you’ve got.” You order and he obediently nods at you and raises his hand with the ring on it towards Dirk.

“Fuck! No!” Vriska protests but doesn’t move to stop the carapace. You outrank her and she knows it.

From the reports Vriska had been giving you, you learned that Dirk almost never cried out from the miles but as a mass of tendrils engulf him the scream that is torn from him is delicious enough to make up for that lack.

You watch as his body convulses and goes rigid.  You see his eyes pin before he squeezes them shut.  But the screams last for a wonderfully long time.

\--------Be Terezi

You are now Terezi and you stop in your tracks when an indescribable sound reaches you.

“Gamzee, Listen. You hear that?” You turn your head to him and you feel him nod. “That is the sound of ultimate suffering. I made a sound like that when I was blinded. The man in black makes it now.”

“The man in black?” Gamzee asks incredulously.

“His true love is marrying some other bitch tonight. Who else would be the candidate for ultimate suffering?” You begin to move with a new purpose through the crowd of people in the town but the excitement makes it difficult to get through them.

“Sorry, excuse me… Shit, Gamzee? If you don’t mind?” You ask him.

You know he understands exactly what you want when you hear him bellow loud enough for the whole town to hear him.

“Motherfuckin MOVE!”

You are pleased when the people around you clear a path for you instantly and your sharp teeth show when you grin. “Thanks!”


	20. Where's Dirk

You are Terezi Pyrope and you have been following your nose trying to find the man in black.  It has led you to a small set of crumbling ruins a ways from the town.  You were ready to start a thurough search of the area when movement caught your attention.

A troll was moving through the ruins with some difficulty as he was apparently crippled and was pushing himself along in a wheelchair.  He was so concentrated in his effort to wheel himself along that he did not notice you until the point of your blade was at his throat.

“Where is the man in black?” You ask when he freezes in place at the touch of your weapon. He slowly looks up at you and you can sense how timid he really is. His eyes widen when he spots Gamzee next to you and you smile when he realizes he has no chance against you and a highblood.

“You frequent this ruin correct?” When the troll doesn’t answer and merely looks up at you with fear you turn to your companion. “Gamzee, jog his memory.”

At that Gamzee raised his arm and let his fist land on top of the trolls think pan.  Shock was apparent on his face as his eyes glazed over and he slumped foreword and fell completely out of his wheelchair unconscious.

“Shit.” Gamzee says to you rather crestfallen, “I didn’t mean to jog him so motherfuckin hard.” But you weren’t listening to him anymore.  Your attention was now on the sounds and smells and tastes of the ruin around you. “Terezi?” He sounds confused.

You follow your nose to several low walls quite near you and you can tell the man in black has been here.  You won’t forget his scent.  His trail was old, however, and now nearly obliterated by the scents of several others including the troll in the wheelchair. You carefully follow all of the scents and they all lead to the exact same spot. You reach out and pick up a small object which has been touched by all the people who come here.  You discover it is a small skull.  Not sure what to do with it you feel around until you come to an indent in the wall that feels like a perfect size for the skull in your hand.  You place the skull carefully into the opening and are rewarded by the groan of an opening door.

You smile and fearlessly enter the new opening with Gamzee following you.  You find the place deserted and completely silent as you head down the stairs into what appears to be a torture chamber.

Your heart drops when you both discover the man in black lying lifelessly on a table with wheels.  He is no longer bound but you can tell the places on his wrists and ankles where straps had been by the red welts where they had rubbed the human’s skin raw.

He’s not moving and you can’t tell if he’s breathing either.  You grab the humans wrist as Gamzee carefully lowers his head, avoiding jabbing the body with his horns, to place his ear on the man’s chest, listening for a heartbeat. But after a moment he straightens again shaking his head.

“He’s dead man.”

“It’s just not fair.” You whisper listlessly.  Your plans of revenge crumbling around your ears.

\--------Be John

“No, no no! Dad wait!” You wail. Your anguish playing across your face as your dad pauses the movie. “What did Gamzee mean “He’s dead”? I mean, he didn’t mean “dead.” Dirk is too cool to be dead, right?” You plead as you dad looks at you.

“Do you want to finish the movie or not?”

Your impatience gets the better of you as your next question bursts out of you.

“Who gets the Condesce?”

“What?” Your dad is looking at you confused now.

“Who kicks the Condesce’s butt? At the end?  She’s got it coming to her!  Is it Terezi? Who?”

Your dad merely sighs and shakes his head.

“Nobody kills him, son.  He lives.”

“You mean, she wins? Jegus, Dad, why are we even watching this then?”

You feel your dad lean over and place his hand on your forehead. “You know you’re still sick, and you’re taking this story very seriously. We should probably stop now.” He stands up to go remove the movie but you reach out and grab his shirt to stop him.

“No. It’s ok. I’m alright. Sit down.” He looks at you for a moment and shrugs as he sits back down.

“Alright.” He presses play once more.

\--------Be Terezi

You are Terezi again as you stand beside the body of the man in black. You pummel your think pan for a way to salvage the situation.

“You know, we Pyrope’s have never taken defeat easily.” You tell Gamzee, “Come on. Bring the body with you.”

“Huh?” he looks at you as you start to walk back to the entrance.

“You have any boonbucks?” You ignore his confusion as you inquire.

“Yeah, some.”

“Well we’ll have to hope it’s enough to buy a miracle.”

Gamzee smiles at you then, “Motherfucking miracles.”


	21. Miracles

You are Terezi and you are more determined than ever not to be thwarted again.  You lead Gamzee and his burden to a ramshackle house at the edge of the town and begin knocking on the door.

“Go the fuck away!” You hear coming from deep inside the house. You don’t relent and pound again on the door. A small window slides open and someone wearing a pair of aviators peers out at you.

“What the fuck?” He says impatiently.

“Are you Dave? The DJ who worked for the Condesce?” You ask.

“That huge bitch fired me, but thanks for coughing up the subject like a slimy hairball on my doorstep. Since it’s already there why not leave dead feathery assholes as presents for me to find later? I’m so fucking done here.”

The window slides closed again as the stubborn human refused to cooperate.  You continue to pound on his door not intending to give up so soon.

The window slides open again and you can tell the human is glaring at you even through his shades. “Fuck off, or I’ll sick the brute squad on you.”

“I’m on the brute squad.” Gamzee chose that moment to interject .

“Shit, you _are_ the brute squad.” He looks up at Gamzee with feigned casualness.

“We need a miracle, it’s important.” You tell him.

“Look I know I’m the shit but people can’t just come up all the time expecting me to solve all their problems for them. Besides, I’m just a DJ that some troll bitch couldn’t stand. I’d probably fuck it up and kill someone or end up with a pile of dead Dave’s trying.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that. He’s already dead.” You grin at him showing all your sharp teeth.

“No shit? Fine I’ll take a look. Bring him in.”  The door unbolts and opens for you to enter.  Once inside you help Gamzee lay the man in black out on a table and you notice the delicious red pajamas he’s wearing.

Once situated Dave grabs an arm and raises it somewhat only to let it go and watch it flop back to the table. He looks up at you then and shrugs. “I’ve seen worse.”

He then begins to poke at the body and you suddenly become impatient.

“Could you hurry it along? We’re in a hurry.”

“Don’t rush me. You want a miracle? Give me time. Since I’m fucking made of time I clearly control all miracles. You got boondollars?”

“Sixty-five boonbucks.” You tell him promptly.

“Chump change.” He scoffs at you. “I never work for so little. Well, there was that one time but that was for the sake of irony.”

“This is totally ironic.” You temporize, “He has a puppet with only one leg to take care of and only orange soda to feed himself.”

“Is that the best you could come up with?” one of his pale eyebrows lifts over the top rim of his shades as he stares at you.

“Fine, some bitch blinded me and I need him to get revenge.”

“Your first story was more ironic.  Where’s my turntables?” He turns around looking for said item and wheels it over next to the table. “He probably owes you money, I’ll ask him.”

“I thought dead people couldn’t talk.”

“Since when do you know shit about what I’m doing here?” He fires back at you and you can only shrug. “Dude is only mostly dead anyway. Which means he’s alive enough to answer my question.”

He then proceeds to flip on the machine and adjust some of the settings before placing the man in black’s hand over the nearest turn table. A low beat could be heard coming from a speaker nearby. Dave then leaned over and yelled into the man’s face.

“Yo Bro! Pay attention dude! What the fuck are you still hanging around for? Why bother surviving?”

As Dave let go of the man’s hand it fell the slight distance to the record and slipped off to the side pushing several dials around in the process.  Through the speakers they heard a vocal come through and simply repeat itself.

_“-ue love, true love, true love…”_

“You heard him.  True Love.  What’s more ironic than that?” You ask.

“Uh-huh, yeah.  Some cool as fuck guy mooning away for a choice piece of ass is pretty ironic. But that’s not what those lyrics are saying. They really say _“untrue lover”_ so obviously someone cheated on this guy and he’s out for some payback.”

“Liar! Liar liar pants on fire!” You hear a girl yell angrily as she runs into the room.  She’s wearing a black dress and has curious looking horns, until you realize that those are dog ears poking out of her long black hair, not horns.

“Get off my case witch!” Dave yells back as she threatens to pummel him with her bare fists and he absently fends her off.

“I’m not a witch! Well, yes I am.  But that’s not the point! I refuse to go out with you anymore until you admit that this man meant true love!” Tears sprang to her eyes and you can tell Dave can’t deal with a crying female because he holds his hands up defensively.

“Whoa, shit don’t cry, Jade!”

“True love. He meant true love, Dave!” She turned to you then, “He’s just afraid that he’s not as cool as he thinks he is anymore.  Ever since the Condesce fired him he lost his confidence.”

“Fuck you promised not to say that name!” You can sense his cheeks flushing under his shades.

“What? Condesce? Or should I say Condescension? Is that what she did to you? Gave you a dose of her condescension?” Jade taunted him.

“Fuck no! I’m not gonna sit here and take this shit.” He gets up to leave but Jade quickly grabs his arm.

“This love needs help and you won’t even say why you won’t help. Cool kid is too cool for that shit.”

“If it helps,” you interrupt, “His true love is Jake English.  If you heal him he will stop the Condesce’s wedding.”

They both look at you in stunned silence for a moment before Dave gathers his wits.

“Wait, so…I fix this guy and the bitch suffers?” Dave asks with the hint of a smirk on his face.

“Their shit will be wrecked.” You confirm.

“Done. Give me the sixty-five. Jade go find Jane.”

“Yay!” Jade squeals happily and runs out the door.  A few moments later She comes back in with another girl With short black hair and nervous blue eyes as she listens to Jade.

“We need you to make him something that will make him better.” Jade finishes her explanation and Jade looks at the prone figure on the table.

“W-well I’ll need the kitchen then.” She says hesitantly.

You all clear out of her way as she begins to…bake a cake.

Seriously.

She bakes a fucking cake.

Jade must have seen the look of incredulity on your face because she pipes up after a while.

“You know, Jane was once known as the Maid of Life.  Her baking was legendary when it came to healing the worst injuries.  She’ll give you your miracle.

Indeed, as soon as the cake she pulls out of the oven is cool enough she slices into it and hands you a piece on a plate. You try not to stare as the piece of cake glows an eerie white.  You are just glad you are not the one who has to eat it.

“Wait a few minutes for it to cool some more before you give it to him. “ She instructs you as you and Gamzee gather up the man in black and head out the door.

“Thanks.” You say as you head out.

You hear them call out to you as you walk away.

“Bye!” Jade giggles.

“Have fun beating the shit out of the huge bitch.” Dave deadpans.

In a whisper that you’re sure you weren’t supposed to hear Jane asks Jade and Dave a question.

“Do you think their plan will work?”

“It would take a motherfucking miracle.” Dave answered for both of them.

 


	22. Plans

You are Terezi and you are now sneaking your way across the roof of the house directly across from Condesce’s mansion.  Gamzee is right behind you with the man in black’s limp form wedged in between you as you move.  You collapse behind the retaining wall of the roof and gently settle the man in black against you as Gamzee pokes his head over the wall to look at the opposing force standing guard.

“Uh…Terezi?  There’s more than 30 motherfuckers down there.”

“Same difference.” You say, not giving two shits at all. “We have this mofo anyway right?” You point at the body. “Help me with him.” Gamzee grabs an arm and pulls him off of you and you lean him up against the low wall. “We’ll have to shove the cake down his throat.”

“Has it been fifteen minutes yet?” Gamzee asks.

“We can’t wait any longer.  The wedding will start in half an hour.” You pull out the bag with the slightly squashed slice of cake in it. “We have to strike in the prenuptial chaos.  Here, tilt his head back.” You listen as Gamzee grabs the man by the back of the neck and supports him so he’s sitting upright.  “Open his mouth.” You say as you wad up the cake.  No time for the niceties of silverware and shit.

You take the mess of cake and push it into the humans’ mouth. You work it down as far as you can before you massage his throat to get him to swallow.

“How long we gotta wait for this mutherfuckin miracle?” Gamzee looks at you.

“No fuckin clue.” You shrug.

In that instant the man in black’s eyes snap open and you can smell the bright orange orbs dart around frantically before they rest on you.

“I’ll fuckin beat the shit out of both of you-mff” He starts to yell at you before Gamzee clapped his hand over the humans’ mouth.

“Heh, I guess we didn’t have to wait long.” Gamzee smiled lazily.

Gamzee then removed his hand and you smell the man’s gaze switching from you to Gamzee and back again in confusion.

“Why can’t I move?” He asks and you realize that he hasn’t shifted at all since he opened his eyes.

“Probably cause you’ve been practically dead all day.” Gamzee answered.

You observe him look at Gamzee without turning his head.

“We had Dave and his Maid Jane make you some cake to bring you back.” Wow that sounds stupid you think as you say it. But the man’s eyes narrow at you.

“Is that why my mouth tastes like sugary shit?  Who the fuck are you? Are we enemies?”

“I’m Terezi remember? He’s Gamzee.”

“Dirk.” He tells you. “Why am I on this roof?  Where’s Jake?”

“Shut up and let me explain.  Wait this shit’s too complicated. Ok, Shit’s Gone Down: Abridged.   Jake’s marrying the Condesce in less than half an hour, so we gotta get in, crash the wedding, steal lover boy, and get the fuck out.  After I kill Vriska.”

“Doesn’t leave time for dicking around.” Dirk acknowledges. You smell Dirk’s left hand twitch where it had been resting on his lap.

“Dude. Your hand just fuckin moved.  That’s awesome.” Gamzee’s grin showed all of his pointy teeth.

“That’s cause I’m made of awesome.” He probably would have shrugged if he could. “What’re we up against?”

“The mansion is locked down and the only way in or out is the front door.  Here…” You and Gamzee lift his unresponsive form so that he can get a look over the retaining wall.  You all take a good look and then subside back to your previous positions behind the wall. “Place is guarded by,” you sniff to double check,” Sixty guards.

“What have we got going for us?”

“Your badassery, Gamzee’s strength, my cane.” You smile wickedly.

“That’s it? Fucking impossible.” He deadpans. “If I had a month to plan I could come up with ten ways to wreck their shit, but this…” you feel him shake his head in disgust.

“You just shook your fuckin head!” Gamzee crowed happily. “That doesn’t make you happy?”

Dirk turned his head toward Gamzee with an obvious effort to stare at him with the best poker face you’ve ever come across.

“My badass brain, her cane, and your strength against sixty guards, and you think a little head wiggle is supposed to make me happy?” You grin at the sheer amount of sarcasm dripping from his tone, even though his expression never changed. Gamzee just smiled stupidly back at him. “Shit, if we only had some wheels, that would be something.”

You tilt your head at Gamzee thinking hard. “Hey where did we put that wheelchair the crippled troll had?”

“It’s sitting there with him right where we left him, I think.” He says slowly.

You hear the annoyance in Dirk’s next question.

“Well why the fuck didn’t you list that among our useful items in the first place?” You hear him sigh heavily. “What we really need is a holocaust cloak.”

“Will this work?” To both of your shock Gamzee reached into his shirt and whipped out a very large swath of black fabric.

“Where the _hell_ did you get that?” Your incredulity reached new levels with this fucker.

“At Dave’s place.” He shrugs as if this was not the most ironic thing you could have come up with at this particular moment. “He said it looked boss on me and gave me a good deal on it.”

“All right, fine,” Dirk interrupts, “time’s wasting. Help me up.” You hoist him to his feet and wrap his arms around each of your shoulders as you start to remove yourselves from the roof.

“I’ll need a sword for this.” Dirk adds.

“Why?” You ask him, “You can’t even lift one at the moment.”

“True but no one besides you knows that. Now, the way I see it there may be problems once we’re inside.”

“I’ll say,” You snort, “How do I find Vriska? Once I do how do I find you again? Once I find you gain how do we escape?” You sense Dirk open his mouth to answer your questions but Gamzee butts in before he can speak.

“Don’t pester him, man. Dude’s had a hard day.” Gamzee admonishes you.

“Right.” You’d roll your eyes if you knew the effect wouldn’t be lost on this stoner. “Sorry.”

You continue on your way off the roof when Gamzee needlessly whispers.

“Terezi.”

“What?”

“I hope we fucking win.”

\--------Be Jake

“You don’t seem excited, angelfish.” Condesce tells you in a flippant tone.  You refrain from glaring at her through the mirror you are currently gazing into trying to straighten your tie.  She has her 2x3dent with her and without your pistols you know she has the advantage here.

“Should I be?” You’re proud when your voice comes out as mildly curious and none of the raw anger inside you colors your tone.

“Human grooms often are during this human ritual, I’m told.”

“I’m not getting married tonight.” You state as if this were common knowledge. “My Dirk will be there.” You turn from the mirror and walk from the room, not bothering to notice the smug look that came over the Condesce as you said that.


	23. Mawwaige

You are Dirk the Dread Pirate Strider and shit is about to go down.  After retrieving the wheelchair you all made it back to the hose from which you had been spying on the mansions front gate.  It was almost fully dark out now and you can see the lights from nearby houses glowing in the distance.

For convenience sake you were sitting in the wheelchair, though it pissed you off that you were still weak enough to need it.

You, Gamzee and Terezi quickly peer around the corner of the house to see if anything had changed with the guard outside the mansion.  You see the guards still standing there at attention and quickly pull back out of sight.

You look at Terezi and she grins maniacally back at you.  You switch your gaze to Gamzee but his face was already plastered with his signature vacant grin.  In a stupid show of teamwork Terezi puts her hand out in between all of you.  Gamzee places his own on top of hers and they both look at you.  You roll your eyes but make the significant effort to fling your own useless arm on top of theirs hoping the gesture was ironic enough to be cool.

\--------Be Jake

You are Jake English and you are standing at the altar set up in the main floor of Condesce’s mansion.  Nervous energy courses through you but you don’t dare move from where you are standing.  Condesce’s guards line the far walls of the room and you’re certain they have been ordered to keep an eye (and possibly a weapon) trained on you.

You barely pay attention to the shitty organ music blaring through a speaker set up somewhere in the back.  You are too busy scanning the group of people for any sign of Dirk.  You start to rake your gaze across the windows when the doors in the back open and the Condesce steps through in all her regal glory.

Her dress is of course gorgeous, the finest money can buy.  Its covered in beadwork and the frills of fabric somehow remind you of fins without actually imitating them.  As she steps into the room you see that her train is so long that it takes all four of her maids to help carry it.  You vaguely register that two of her maids are human; girls that look rather similar with their blond hair and oddly colored eyes.  The other two maids are trolls and you recognize one of them as being her fuchsia blooded heir while the other troll had oddly glowing skin.

You take all of this in until Condesce is stopping on the dais right next to you.  You then stiffly turn to face the priest (or rather a troll dressed to look like a priest, jinglefucking Christ they’re doing a sloppy job of imitating a human wedding).

The priest turns to you and casually flips his purple cape out of the way of his hands, which he then clasps together in front of him. You note he’s wearing a tacky amount of gold jewelry on his hands. 

“Mawwiage.” He says loudly into the silence of the room. “Mawwiage is wwhat bwwings us togevver today.” You resist the urge to roll your eyes at the way he pronounces things. “Mawwiage, that bwwessed awwangement, that dwweam wwithin a dwweam.”

As the priest pauses for effect you distinctly hear one of Condesce’s top guards speaking loudly outside the front door.

“Stand your ground! I said stand your ground!” Equius’s voice is somewhat muffled through the walls.

Judging from the way everyone shifts uncomfortably you are not the only one to hear the commotion outside.

\--------Be Dirk again

You are Dirk again and now you are awkwardly clinging to Terezi with your arms around her neck as she pushes the wheelchair into clear view of the guards at the door.  Gamzee is standing on the seat of the chair wearing the black cloak.  His horns are poking through a fresh set of holes ripped in the hood and the only other part of him anyone could see was his painted face in the eerie light from the adjacent windows.

The guards around the door are backing away in terror at the sight of an extremely large highblood in a black cloak seeming to float towards them.

“I am the fucking Dread Pirate Strider!” He intones loudly.  If the situation wasn’t what it was you would have been tempted to laugh at the ridiculous way he’s speaking.  It was like he was trying to tell a scary story to a five year old, moaning out his sentences in a supposedly scary manner.  But you are not one to judge, hell he could do whatever the fuck he wanted if this worked.

“No one will survive!” The guards were now rambling incoherently in fear of the highblood but as of yet no one had moved much.

“Now?” Terezi asks you.  You can hear the strain in her voice as she struggles to push the wheelchair and carry your lame ass at the same time.

“Not yet.” You’re waiting for that perfect moment.

“My crew is here, I’m here, but you won’t be here much longer!” Jeez he’s hamming it up isn’t he? The guards are about two second from bolting as you approach their group.

“ _Now?_ ” Terezi Grunts.

“Light him.”

Terezi stops and quickly retrieves the lighter you gave her from her pocket.  She clicks the flame into existence and presses it close to the fabric of Gamzee’s cloak.  The cloak quickly catches fire and the effect is more than you could have hoped for.

To the guards it probably seemed like he spontaneously erupted into flames.  You just hope they flee before the flames can do any damage to Gamzee’s skin.

“The Dread Pirate Strider lets no one survive!” Gamzee’s voice can still be heard through the flaming cloak. “I’m your worst fucking nightmare!” The guards are scrambling over each other now in an attempt to keep their distance from the flaming figure without actually running away. 

\--------Be Jake

You are Jake again and you’re trying to listen to what’s going on outside but the damn priest has continued with his monologue and is rambling on despite the noise.

“Then lovve, twwue lovve,” You see Condesce catch her bodyguards eye and nod her head in the direction of the commotion.  Vriska nods and heads out as the oblivious priest drones on, “wwiww fowwoww you fowwevveah.” Vriska heads out a side door and motions two other guards to follow her.

\--------Be Dirk

You are Dirk and you are pleased to note that the guards are about to piss themselves at the sight of Gamzee.

“The Dread Pirate Strider is here for your motherfucking souls!” Gamzee then reached out with his arms as if to grab those nearest to him and that seemed to be the last straw.  The panicked men broke and began to scatter in all directions.  You see the head guard, a large burly troll with a cracked pair of shades and a broken horn fighting to keep his men from running.  You can hear him giving frantic orders to those still able to hear him.

“Stay where you are! Stand and fight!” he was yelling desperately. “Stay where you are!”

But it was no use.  Every guard there had up and fled and he was left alone to face a flaming highblood.  He backed up flush against the door and looked back at Gamzee in horror.

\--------Be Jake

You are Jake and you feel like you are about to snap under the tension that has settled on this farce of a ceremony.  You are sweating bullets and trying your darndest not to sneak furtive glances at the windows behind you lest the disapproving Condesce catches you in the act.  You are barely even registering what the priest is saying anymore.

“So twweasure your lovve…”

“Skip to the end.” You hear Condesce’s voice ominously quiet and particularly livid as she glares at the priest.  Taken aback, the priest hesitates a moment before he continues.

“Havve you the wwing?” He looks at both you and Condesce.

Instead of a response Condesce reaches over to a small table where the wedding rings had been placed within easy reach.  She takes the larger ring and your hand and practically shoves it onto your finger. Then she does the same with her own.

“I believe that’s my Dirk at the door now.” You can’t help but grin smugly at the fuming troll.

\--------Be Dirk

You are Dirk and you watch as Gamzee pulls of the fiery robe and smothers the remaining flames.  Terezi is helping you drag your feet toward the door with one of your arms wrapped around her shoulders.  You notice that a barred gate it closing across the door with the last guard rigid behind it.

“Gamzee, stop the gate from closing.” You cry.

Gamzee tossed the remains of the cloak and grabs the metal bars of the gate with both hands.  He grunts loudly but manages to wrench the bars open like they were made of bendy straws instead of iron.  The troll guard watches in a terror stricken stupor and you can see his wide blue eyes behind his messed up shades.  Gamzee steps closer and he presses his back against the door with nowhere else to go.

\--------Be Jake

You are Jake and you want to crow with triumph at the turn of events.

“Your Dirk is dead.” Condesce states flatly. “I killed him myself.”

“The why is there fear in your eyes?” You question.

\--------Be Dirk

You are Dirk and Terezi has dragged you up to the door where the guard stands immobile with Gamzee watching him.

“Give us the key.” You order wearing your best poker face.

The guard trembles under Gamzees stare but shakes his head quickly.

“I don’t have any key.”

Terezi’s shit eating grin widens when she hears this and nods at the guard.

“Gamzee, tear his arms off.” she suggests happily.

“Oh you mean this key?” The guard reaches into his pocket and pulls out an ordinary looking key.  Gamzee reaches out and snatches it from his grasp.

\--------Be Jake

You are Jake and your smugness is wearing off at this point.  The priest hasn’t stopped the ceremony.

“And do you Jake Engwwish…”

“Man and wife! Say it! Man and Wife!” Condesce hisses.

“Man and wwife.” The priest obeys with a wary look on his face.

You are crushed.  You look at the priest in shock as your heart sinks to the bottom of your shoes.  You’re in no mind to protest when Condesce orders several guards to escort you to your room with the locked door.

But seemingly oblivious to the drama Poppop Crocker links his arm with yours and proceeds to escort you instead.

“He didn’t come.” You say in numb shock, your heart starting to break into a million pieces.

 

**Ok I admit I was having waaaay too much fun writing Eridan as the priest. I was planning to put him in at the priest since the very beginning.**


	24. Prepare to Die

You are Terezi and you and Gamzee are walking quietly through the halls of the Condesce’s mansion.  Dirk has his right arm around Gamzee’s shoulder and with that support is able to shuffle his feet along supporting some of his own weight, though clearly not able to get anywhere on his own yet.

You all pause at a junction in the hallway and you carefully sniff around the corner.  You signal back that the coast is clear and Dirk weakly gestures you on with his left hand, which is tightly gripped around the hilt of a shitty sword you found for him.

You carefully turn the corner and continue down the new hallway when a group of people rush around the corner towards you.  They all stop several feet away brandishing their weapons. You hear the person in the middle speak with authority.

“Kill the highblood and the human, but leave the third for questioning.” You hear her say calmly.

Without further ado the four guards rush you but these amateurs are no match for you and they quickly fall under your blade in several different colors of blood.  You keep your guard up as you step closer to the leader of the group. Anticipation thrills up your spine as you smell the eight pupils staring at you. Seven in the left eye and one in the right.  The practiced words fall from your lips as the moment you’d been waiting for since you went blind finally presents itself to you.

“Hello.  My name is Terezi Pyrope.  You fucking blinded me.  Prepare to die.” Through those 13 words you sense Vriska’s eyes widen in recognition.  You adjust your stance in preparation for battle and you can tell Vriska is doing the same.

Without warning she turns and runs back down the hallway and flits out of sight around the nearest corner.  Not this time! You think with malice and you are off chasing after her leaving Gamzee and Dirk in the dust.  You whip around the same corner Vriska did and you hear a door on your right click shut.  You grab the handle and ram the door with your shoulder but the lock has been thrown and there’s no way you’re strong enough to break it.

“Gamzee! Get your ass over here! I need you!” You shout back the way you came.

\--------Be Gamzee

“I can’t leave Dirk alone.” You protest. Dirk can barely move without your support.

“The bitch is getting away from me, Gamzee! Please!”

Sighing you help Dirk sit with his back against the wall in the hallway and pat his shoulder.

“Be right back.”

\--------Be Terezi

You are Terezi again and you back up and attempt to ram the door yourself but it remains stubbornly in your way. “Gamzee!” You practically scream in desperation.  It seems like an eternity before you see him coming down the hall toward you. Your shoulder was practically numb from repeatedly ramming the door. He stops your latest attempt as he reaches you with a hand on your shoulder and simply swings his fist into the door.  It practically explodes off of its hinges and Gamzee gives you a lazy smile as he gestures for you to enter the newly opened doorway with a slight bow.

“Thanks.” You mutter and proceed with your interrupted chase as Gamzee turns around to return to where he left Dirk.

\--------Be Jake

You are Jake and you have no idea what to do as you’re escorted down the hallway of the mansion by Poppop and his neighbor whom everyone affectionately addresses as Nanna.

“Strange wedding.” Poppop mumbles to you as you fight to hold back tears.

“Yes, a very strange wedding.” Nanna agrees. “Come along.” She moves ahead of you and Poppop to your room.

Poppop then stops and turns to you in the middle of the hallway.  On an impulse you hug the good natured old man.

“What was that for?” He smiles brightly at you.

“Because you’ve always been so kind to me. I’m afraid I won’t be seeing you again since I’m going to off myself when we get to the room.” You inform him gravely.

“Ha! Good one! You’ve got a good tricksters gambit going young man!” He chuckles and continues walking.

\--------Be Terezi

You are Terezi and you follow the scent trail of your quarry with single minded determination. It’s a twisting path down long and confusing hallways but your nose has never led you wrong.

You hear Vriska just ahead of you and you also hear her go through another door but as you round the corner and hit the door with your abused shoulder you are grateful that she didn’t stop to lock this one and continue your pursuit.

\--------Be Gamzee

You are Gamzee and you’re confused as fuck.  You returned to where you left Dirk to find him absent from the hallway.  You were pretty sure he couldn’t move on his own and you looked down several hallways trying to figure out what the hell happened to him.

\--------Be Terezi again

You are Terezi again and your chase has led you to the kitchen area.  It is currently vacant as you burst through the door in your pursuit of Vriska. You follow her scent down a nearby staircase which you presume will lead to the dining area.

When you reach the bottom of the steps you start in the direction Vriska went in but stop sharply with a pain-filled grunt as something hits your stomach and agony rips through you.  Your hand finds its way to the hilt of a dagger buried in your stomach.  You stagger backwards a few steps and feel the wall beside the stairs as you hit it.

You sense Vriska standing on the other side of the room looking triumphantly at you.

“Sorry ancestor.” You whisper in regret. “I tried.” You shudder as shock courses though you and your stomach is a ball of agony. “I tried.” You’re blabbering now but you can’t help it.

“You must be that little teal wiggler I taught a lesson to all those sweeps ago.” She slowly starts approaching you, secure in the knowledge that she has beaten you. “Fucking incredible.  Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now?” The smugness in her voice is nearly as unbearable as the knife in your gut. “That’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard.  How delicious.” Her smile makes rage surge through you despite the pain.  But at that point your body has decided to give out on you and you collapse to the floor, your back sliding down the wall you had propped yourself up against.


	25. Gently

You are Jake English and you enter the prison of a room of your own volition.  You are too distraught to do much more than stumble to the desk in the corner.  You sit down and open one of the drawers and reach inside to grab one of your trusty pistols.  You had thought to hide it here and use it to bust yourself out of this whole mess, but at this point it will serve a far more immediate purpose.

You take hold of the familiar handle and quickly cock the trigger.  You slowly raise the gun and press it to your temple as you inhale deeply for the last time.

“I know you’re not a genius or anything, but it would be a shame to splatter your brain all over the wall.”

Your eyes shoot open as you hear the one voice you never expected. You turn sharply to find Dirk lying on the bed looking at you with those intensely amber eyes.

“Dirk!  Oh god, Dirk!” You are moving before you can even think, the gun forgotten as you lay it on the desk.

You rush to the bed and don’t hesitate to throw yourself over him and proceed to kiss him senseless.  When you pull back for air you continue to rain kisses along his chin and back up to his mouth. He is kissing you back but so far has made no other move.

“Dirk, why won’t you hold me?” Your hands rest on his shoulder and chest as you kiss him again.

“Gently.” He mumbles around your kisses and you’re confused by his reply.

“At a time like this? That’s all you can think to say? “Gently”?” You bury your hand in his soft blond hair at the base of his neck and pull him up for a kiss that was a little more forceful than the previous ones.

“Gently!” He cries quietly. Surprised by his distress you let go of him and his head falls back to the pillow but still manages to thwack against the headboard. His grunt of pain and grimace are enough to make your eyes widen in alarm.


	26. On Her Last Eight Legs

You are Terezi and you are struggling through a haze of pain and anguish. Fuck this! You’ve come too far to be stopped now.

With a quick movement you wince as you pull the short blade from your gut.  Vriskas smug smile falls slightly from her face as the dagger clatters to the floor. You press your hand against the bleeding wound as firmly as you can and slowly begin to push yourself up from the floor.

“My my. Still fighting?” She asks curiously.

You take one step away from the support of the wall once you regain your feet but a wave of dizziness and pain crash over you and you sway back until you collide with its firm support once again.

“You don’t know when to give up do you?” You hear Vriska sneer. “That’s gonna get you into trouble one of these days.” You hear her unsheathe her sword and you move your own blade just in time to deflect hers from piercing your heart.  As it was you feel a burning pain in your left shoulder as the tip of her blade pierces you there instead.  She quickly pulls back and tries again but again you deflect her blow.  This time her blade pierces you right arm.  You barely feel it. You barely feel anything anymore.

On Vriska’s third attempt at you, you retaliate fiercely, blocking her blows expertly. There’s only one thing left to do with your life and you’re dammed if you don’t accomplish it!

“Hello.  My name is Terezi Pyrope.  You fucking blinded me. Prepare to die.” Your voice comes out as a harsh whisper as you begin to advance once again. Your mind momentarily goes blank as a wave of dizziness forces you to support yourself on a chair next to you.

Vriska pounces on your weakness but you recover in time to block her blows yet again. 

You continue to advance.

“Hello.  My name is Terezi Pyrope.  You fucking blinded me. Prepare to die.” A look of rage crosses Vriska’s face as she renews her efforts to beat you down.

You block her blows once again and this time you manage to catch her sword on your own. You swing your blade and almost manage to disarm her but she pivots away from you and crashes into the dining table.  She quickly recovers and furiously continues to attack you.

“Hello!” You’re shouting now.  “My name is Terezi Pyrope.  You fucking blinded me. Prepare to die.”

“Shut the fuck up!” She screeches at you and takes a massive swing at your head. You easily deflect this childish move and immediately move in and stab her left shoulder and she gasps in sudden pain. Her rage shows on her face as she swings at you again but this time you dodge and pierce her right arm, her wounds becoming an exact mirror of your own.

“Hello!  My name is Terezi Pyrope.  You fucking blinded me. Prepare to die!” Your next move is to barrage her with a flurry of strikes as you push her back into the table again. You finally manage to pin her sword to the table with your foot.  You slice her left cheek before you pause to speak, the tip of your sword in her face.

“Offer me money.” You order.

“Yes,” She hisses.

“Prestige as well. Give me your word.” You snarl at her. You remove your hand from your stomach to raise it properly in the en guard position. You slice her other cheek.

“Everything I have. Please.” She whispers.

“Offer me everything I ask for.” You back up a step.

“Anything you want.” Her eyes bore into you.

She lashes out at you bring her sword around to try one last attack but you were expecting it and expertly knock her sword aside grabbing her wrist in the process.  You stab forward and catch her in her exposed midsection. Her look of shock freezes on her face as she looks at you.

“I want to see again you bitch!” You thrust your sword deeper and pressed your foot against her chest, pushing her back and allowing her to collapse to the ground.

It was over.

You turn and stagger away to find your friends.


	27. Bluff

You are Jake English and you are sitting on top of Dirk as he lies on the bed. Guilt floods you and causes your chest to constrict as you gaze into his eyes.  You can see his love for you there but you feel as if you’ve betrayed him.

“Oh Dirk, will you ever forgive me?”

“What have you done this time?” he says lightly.

“I got married.” You blurt. “I didn’t want to! God it all happened so fast…”

“Never happened.” He interrupts.

“What?” Your confusion doubles.

“Never happened.” He repeats.

“But it did happen Dirk. I was there.” You try not to cry. “The troll priest said “Man and wife.””

“Did you say, “I do”? He asks you calmly.

“Ah…no,” you pause to go over events again in your head, “we kinda skipped that part.”

“Then you’re not married.” He states flatly. You look back at him with hope starting to rise in your chest. “You didn’t say it, you didn’t do it.” He reasons. You can’t help the smile that creeps onto your face. “Wouldn’t you agree your Condescension?”

You quickly turn your head to see Condesce standing in the doorway.

“A technicality I aim to fix shortly.” She says coldly. You sit up on the bed next to dirk. Looking at Condesce in alarm. “But first things first.” She throws her bouquet to the ground and levels her 2x3dent in your direction. “To the death.” She advances in your direction.

“No.” Dirk Growls. It stops Condesce in her tracks. “To the pain.”

She doesn’t move but blinks once as she tries to digest Dirk’s meaning.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She admits.

“Then let me explain.” Dirk easily replies. “And I’ll use small words so you can understand, you bloated beach ball.”

You watch in fascination as her cheeks turn fuchsia in fury. But her voice remained calm when she answered.

“That may be the first time in my life a human has dared insult me.”

“I sure as hell won’t be the last.” Dirk continued. “”To the pain” means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below your ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next, your nose.”

“And then my tongue, I suppose,” Sarcasm came dripping from her tone. “I killed you too quickly last time, a mistake I don’t intend to make again.”

“I wasn’t fucking finished!” Dirk shouted stopping Condesce from advancing a second time. “The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right.”

“And then my ears. I understand.” Her exasperation with the conversation was beginning to show. “Let’s get on with it.”

“Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I’ll tell you why.” You watch as Dirk defiantly glared at Condesce. “So that every shriek of every child and wiggler at seeing your repulsiveness will ring out clearly to you. Every baby that screams at your approach, every woman who cries out “Dear, Gog, what is that thing?” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what “to the pain” means. I means I wreck your shit.”

“You’re lying out of your ass.” She states.

“It’s a possibility, blubberbutt.  I might be lying. It’s conceivable, you miserable algal mass, that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand.” You stared on in horror as Dirk said this. “The again... I’m the shit.”

Dirk then slowly sat up and stood beside the bed.  Only now do you notice the sword that had been clutched in his hand the entire time. He raised it to point directly at Condesces face and you can see the utter shock on her features as she stares at Dirk.

“Drop. Your. Weapon.” Dirk stated each word with finality.

You watch as the 2x3dent clangs at it falls from her fingers.  Dirk then flicks the tip of his sword gesturing to the desk chair.

“Take a seat.” Dirk said quietly. She hurried to comply. You jump up off the bed when Dirk looks at you and flicks his head in her direction. “Tie her up.” You hastily grab a belt and a discarded necktie from the floor and advance on the seething troll. “Make it as tight as you like.”

She grunts in pain as you angrily tighten her bonds to the chair. You all look up when Terezi stumbles in the door. You can see several darkening teal stains on her clothing and one of her hands was clutching her stomach over the largest stain.

“Where’s Gamzee?” She asks Dirk.

“I thought he was with you.”

“No,” Terezi shook her head.

“In that case…” Dirk groaned as he started to collapse to the floor.

“Help him.” Terezi says to you.

“Why does Dirk need help?” You ask alarmed as you rush to his side and drape one of his arms over your shoulder.

“Because he’s as weak as a grub.” Terezi explains.

“I knew you were pulling it out of your ass Strider!” Condesce shrieked. Terezi silenced anything more from her by pointing her sword at her face.

“Should I kill her for you?” She looked in Dirks general direction.

“Nah, thanks though. Whatever happens to us I want her to live her long life forever alone.” Condesce looked at the sword in her face and wisely said nothing.

“Terezi!” You all turn at the sound of Gamzee’s voice coming from outside. “Motherfucker, where are you?”

You all head to the large windows and you watch as Terezi opened one as wide as it would go.

“Ha, there you are.” Gamzee smiled torpidly up at you. “I saw the lusi hives and when I looked there they were. Four Centaur lusi. And I got to thinkin, “There are four of us, if we find the other guy.” He catches your gaze and waves at you, “Hello, other guy.” You grin at him and sheepishly wave back. “So I brought them with me in case we ever fuckin bumped into each other. Huh, I guess we just fuckin did.”

“Ha! Gamzee, you did something right.” Terezi gave him her crazy sharp toothed smile from right next to you.

“Don’t worry, I won’t let it go to my motherfucking head.”

Dirk nudged you and you happily stepped up onto the window ledge, your happiness overflowing at your escape.  Your hope for the future is rushing through you, giving you wings as you jump from the window. To freedom.

\--------Be Dirk

You watch as Jake sails to the ground to be caught by Gamzee and set on his feet.

You ironically give Terezi a “ladies first” gesture out the window but she looks at you grinning for a moment.

“It’s kinda weird you know.” She said as she leaned back against the window frame. “I’ve been itching for revenge for so long, now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.”

You can’t help the smirk that edges the corner of your lips as you place a careful hand on her shoulder.

“Ever considered piracy? You’d make an awesome Dread Pirate Strider.” You watch her face as she considers the idea, but you don’t wait for an answer, you just lean out the window and let gravity take over.

Later when you see the sun coming up over the horizon you let relief wash over you and you knew that you were safe. A wave of love sweeps though you as you all stop and you pull up next to Jake.  You reach out and gently cup his face with your hand watching his green green eyes laugh merrily, even though he makes no sound. You both lean towards each other at the same moment…

\--------Be John

You start in surprise as your dad his the pause button. You look up at him from where you were sitting cross legged on the couch clutching your blanket. You couldn’t tell how wide your eyes were as you watched the end of the movie but from the smug look on your dad’s face you must have been pretty into it.  But at this point you could care less.

“Wait. What?” You exclaim.

“They’re going to kiss again. You don’t want to see that.” He informs you.

Your shoulders slump as disappointment threatens to show is face in yours.

“Uh…I don’t mind so much, I guess?”

Your dad just gives you a knowing smile and hits play again.

\--------Be Dirk

You are Dirk and you and Jake both lean towards each other at the same moment.  Your lips meet and it’s amazing how good it feels.  Your breath rushes out through your nose and you gently suck on his lower lip. He gasps and threads one of his hands through your hair.

Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure.

You know that this one left them all behind.

\--------Be John

“The End.” Your dad states and shuts the movie off.

You smile at each other as you both sit on the couch.

“Now, I think you should go to bed.” Your dad pokes you in the ribs eliciting a giggle from you.

“Okay.” You get up dragging your blanket with you and stumble upstairs to your room. Before you disappear down the hallway you hear your dad call out to you.

“Good night son.”

You stop and turn back to him.

“Dad?”

He turns and looks up at you from the bottom of the stairs.

“Maybe, we can watch it again tomorrow.” You make it a statement instead of a question.

He smiles widely at you.

“As you wish.”

 

**OMG this took way longer than I was expecting. Thanks to everyone who followed, favorited, and commented! Hope you enjoyed!**

**Author's Note:**

> Ha, ok so this first whole thing here I typed out on my phone, lol.


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